Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

I really had to give some thought to whom I was going to shine this week’s Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight upon. John Adams was an easy decision as Week #1, partly because of how awesome he is and partly because I’m going through one of my 1776 phases. But who to choose next? The Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is an honor, and not one to be bestowed lightly. However, in view of his longevity as a ridiculous boyfriend--and also mindful of popular demand--I have decided that this week’s Riculous Boyfriend Spotlight shall cast its ludricrous yet heartfelt rays on . . . Darth Vader.

First, let us define our parameters. We are not, that is NOT, talking about Anakin Skywalker. Pretty? Yes. Whiny and annoying? Also yes. Besides, we saw him when he was a kid, and he was prone to using the word “yippee.” Darth Vader does not say “yippee.” When I say I have am totally crushing on Darth Vader, I mean black mask, James Earl Jones voice, flowing black cape, exquisitely evil Darth. Vader.

“Rachel,” you may be thinking, “you are totally cracked out.” Ah, my friend, this is untrue. Let’s think about this logically, using consensus standards of male “crushability,” if you will.

1. Tall, dark, and handsome? Darth is two out of three!

2. It is well known that many women are attracted to power. And Darth Vader? He can totally choke dudes using merely the power of the force. Awesome!

3. As Napoleon Dynamite sagely informed us, girls like guys with skills. Darth Vader: lightsaber skillz, piloting skillz, deflecting-blaster-fire-with-his-bare-hands skillz, and--lest we forget--choking-a-dude-from-across-the-room skillz!

4. Women also go for men who, beneath their tough or crusty or, in this case, evil exteriors have an adorable vulnerability. Like House, or Alex Karev from Grey's Anatomy, or Dr. Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. Darth Vader, as it turns out, loves his boy. Ergo, he is, on the inside, a puppy dog. A huge, menacing, malevolent puppy dog. (Awwwwww.)

5. OK, so it isn't a "standard" measurement of hotness, but . . . he has his own theme song! And it's written by John Williams, so you know it's good.

Ergo, when you examine it objectively, my 10-year (and counting!) attachment to Darth Vader just makes good sense.