Friends: Season Ten

In general:
Sigh.

So here's what happened: I put off and put off watching this season. Then, when I finally got around to the first disc, I discovered that there was a lot in the episodes that made me laugh--it was much better than I remembered. Then, for no good reason, I didn't get around to watching the second disc.

I waited so long that once I finally decided to do the dang thing already, I reviewed my notes and discovered I no longer remembered what they meant. So I started from the beginning of the season again. I laughed much less.

I tell you this seemingly pointless story because I realized: my viewing experience mirrored the original experience of watching Season Ten back when it first aired. We were so happy to still be getting new episodes of Friends that, if for novelty reasons alone, we enjoyed them pretty well. But we enjoyed them less the more we saw them. (No doubt because of how much the cast was getting paid, this season is only 75% as long as all the others. That made for a lot--a lot--of reruns.) And as the season wore on, even the new episodes seemed less and less good. Because they were indeed less and less good.

It cannot be denied, there are funny lines and funny ideas in Season Ten--but not enough of them to fill up even seventeen episodes there are. So the rest of the time is taken up by:

-Stretching the good ideas as far as they will go (example: the "floating heads" gag when Monica and Chandler lock everybody out in "The One with the Late Thanksgiving" is funny, until it drags on and on and on)


-Having the characters be horrible, horrible human beings (one example from among so many: pretty much everyone in "The One with Phoebe's Wedding." Chandler and Ross both throw fits about not being in the wedding, while Monica runs the wedding by being a cruel as possible. The worst thing about this is that after firing Monica, Phoebe gets overwhelmed by the logistics and re-hires her, making the lesson that Monica was right to be horrible all along. Yay?)

-Making Joey ridiculously, cartoonishly, painfully stupid (example: in "The One Where Joey Speaks French," where Phoebe tries to teach Joey French for a role, and the culmination of the plot is that Phoebe tells the casting director that Joey is retarded. It's in French, but the word "retarded" is actually used in the subtitles. Why does calling Joey retarded make Phoebe a good friend?!?)

And I have to tell you, I couldn't even watch the Danny DeVito scenes in "The One Where the Stripper Cries." I had to fast-forward. My heart couldn't take it.

But then the series ends as it must: Monica and Chandler move out of The Apartment, having achieved babies; Phoebe has been married off; and of course Ross and Rachel end up together. (Which is why the Joey-Rachel romance had to be quickly and illogically killed off at the beginning of the season.) It wasn't creative, but it was compulsory. The loose ends had to be wrapped up, except in the event of spin-off potential.

Little things that drive me crazy:
Rachel's bangs in the second half of the season. They're always in her face. Get a barrette, girl, dang!

When Monica gets shell-ended dreadlocks in her hair and then rubs them "sexily" on Chandler. It bums me out.

Pretty much every element of "The One Where Estelle Dies." Phoebe (and everyone who doesn't stop her) thinks it's appropriate to hide Joey's agent's death from him because . . . ? Chandler keeps Janice from buying the house next door to theirs by pretending he still wants her, in (as I have complained before) a blatant re-hash of the Janice episode in Season Seven. Jane Lynch guest stars and is utterly wasted in a nothing role. Rachel decides to move to Paris even though her baby lives in New York (the plan seems to be that the baby will take a bunch of transatlantic flights). Rachel's old boss from Ralph Lauren agrees to re-hire her in response to Ross's bribes, so . . . that guy's pretty corrupt. In a classic Ross Misunderstanding, Ross offers to do a favor for Rachel's boss's son . . . but makes it sound like he's going to molest Rachel's boss's son! Ha ha! Pedophile jokes are awesome. And finally,


what is Rachel wearing here? Grandma's S&M sweater?

I'll stop with this section now, because there several more episodes I could do a similar list with. ("The One with Ross's Grant," "The One with the Home Study," "The One with the Late Thanksgiving," "The One with the Birth Mother," and "The One Where Joey Speaks French" spring to mind.) But that wouldn't be good for the mental health of any of us, I'm sure.

No, one last thing: in the very last scene, everyone is together and gives up their keys to the apartment and so forth. Monica and Chandler are happy, because now they have their babies. Ross and Rachel are happy, because they're together and . . . wait, where's Emma? To be fair, you could ask this question a couple times in pretty much every episode, but seriously, why isn't Emma there? The other babies are there! Why not Emma?! (I also think Mike should have been there, since he represents Phoebe's happy ending, but I can understand why his presence--unlike Emma's!--would have been intrusive.)

Plain old little things:
Anne Dudek plays Precious, the girlfriend Mike decides to break up with on her birthday. Years later, Anne Dudek appeared on How I Met Your Mother as Natalie, a girl Ted breaks up with on her birthday (twice). What are the odds?

Joey sold his boat (The Mr. Bowmont, as I hope he still called it) two years ago. But when exactly did the chick and the duck die?

Little things I love:
Chandler's certainty that their baby's biological father is not the one that was captain of the football team, but the one that murdered his father with a shovel. (Of course Monica's not as worried, "He's probably got a tattoo that says 'Mom' on his shovel-wielding arm!")

Crap Bag

Rachel doesn't mind when drunk Ross spills the beans that Charlie has never liked Rachel: "It's OK, girls tend not to like me." At least she's at peace with it.

Phoebe's right: Jack Bing is a great name, very worthy of a 1940s newspaperman.

At the beginning of "The One Where Chandler Gets Caught," everybody is sitting around the coffee house, talking about which they'd rather give up for life, sex or food. It's very first season, and it's cute they included a scene like that in the last season.

Lines:

• Monica, with crazy hair: "Wait a minute--Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike--we're the only people leaving with the same person we came with!" Chandler: "That's not true, I came with Monica, and I'm leaving with Weird Al!"
• Chandler, after Joey discovers the thesaurus: "You signed it Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani."
• Rachel: "He's cute! Thank you, JewHunks.com!"
  
• Phoebe, when Knicks fans heckle her and Mike: "ODIN WILL SMITE YOU!"
• Monica: "Chandler, you're panicking!" Chandler: "Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?!?"
  

Let's talk about Gunther:
Gunther is pathetic. Gunther is passive and passive-aggressive. Gunther is awkward and a little creepy and off-putting to the people around him. Gunther is complicit in his own misery.

But how can you not love Gunther?

Gunther speaks Dutch! Gunther is steadfast! When Gunther gets invited to a party, he helps do the dishes.

Considering that James Michael Tyler appeared in more episodes by far than anyone outside the six core actors (he's got 141 to runner-up Elliot Gould's 20), it's surprising that there are no Gunther-centric episodes. The closest thing to it is "The One with the Joke" from Season 6, in which Joey starts working at Central Perk, resulting in upwards of three Gunther scenes. Even there, he's still a supporting player in the C plot.

But let it not be said that Gunther is unimportant! His effect on events may be subtle, as in "The One with a Chick and a Duck" (Season 3). The episode begins with Gunther coming outside to bring Rachel a cocoa which--because it distracts her from Monica roller-skating towards her--results in Rachel breaking a rib. Gunther can also be direct. One of my favorite Gunther moments is in "The One Where Monica and Richards are Friends" (Season 3), where Gunther is the only person willing to tell Phoebe's boyfriend that his junk is hanging out ("Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house"). And occasionally, Gunther really shakes things up. These are the the top three most pivotal Gunther moments:

#3: Gunther helps convince Joey to move back in with Chandler, "The One Where Eddie Won't Go"
After getting killed off on Days of Our Lives, Joey blithely assumes his next big success is right around the corner. He wants to keep not just his fancy apartment, but all the fancy junk he bought to decorate the apartment. Ross tries to convince him to cut back on his expenses, but he resists. Then he goes to Central Perk and shares his woes with Gunther, who asks how they killed his character. "I was buried in an avalanche," Gunther then volunteers. "I was Bryce on All My Children." This more than anything else gets the point across to Joey that the next big paycheck might be a long way off. For that reason (and to help Chandler with his insane-replacement-roommate problem), Joey ends up back where he belongs.

#2: Gunther unwittingly gets Rachel to quit her job at Central Perk, "The One Where Rachel Quits"
Gunther tells Rachel that their boss, Terry, wants Rachel to go through new waitress training again (because she's a terrible, terrible waitress). Gunther's patient but condescending explanations of where the trays go and how to tell decaf from regular coffee drive Rachel over the edge. She quits the coffee shop to take a gamble on a career in fashion, changing the entire trajectory of her character.

#1: Gunther breaks up Ross and Rachel, "The One the Morning After"
Yes, that's right! It was Gunther! Recall: after getting back together with Rachel, Ross scrambles frantically to keep her from finding out that he slept with the girl from the copy place. Chloe the copy girl has already told her co-worker, who has told his sister Jasmine, who works at the massage parlor with Phoebe. Jasmine promises not to tell Phoebe, but has already told her roommate--cut to Gunther. Ross pleads, "Please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place." Gunther, with faux concern: "Oh, I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?" If Rachel hadn't found out, or if Ross had had enough time to tell her himself, their relationship may have been salvageable. Gunther: evil genius?

Well, no. The best summary of Gunther, when you get right down to it, is his costume in "The One with the Halloween Party": Charlie Brown.

Top two episodes:
"The One with the Cake"
or: "The One with Joey's Dramatic Reading"

"The Last One"

. . . I mean, neither of those are really that good, but they're the best of the 17.

But fear not!
This is not the note on which we are ending the series of Friends posts. There is still a wrap-up post to go, featuring (among other things; let me know if you have suggestions) all-time best and worst episodes, all-time best and worst guest stars, the seasons ranked in order, and some stuff about kissing! It's gonna be good times. Click here to read more . . .

Friends: Season Nine

In general:
This season is so lazy. The acting, the plots, the dialogue: lazy, lazy, lazy. Even the clip show is lazy for a clip show. For the most part, characters just go through the motions of plots, and the jokes are weak and predictable. There's an occasional funny line or a flash of impressive continuity (Joey's favorite beach activity is digging a hole, Joey's "Southern" accent is actually Jamaican), but that just makes all the nonsensical stuff even more frustrating by comparison.

One little silver lining is that Chandler is (to some degree) back. Sure, his snarky comments may have lame, implausible set-ups, but he gets to make those comments on topics other than his own patheticness. So that's . . . something.

Little things that drive me crazy:
The material they gave Elliot Gould in the season opener (farting, accidentally spying on his own daughter having sex, being too enthusiastic about her sex life when he finds out they're trying to have a baby, and just lots of stupid lines) was just awful.

An example of lazy writing: Joey's girlfriend Charlie overhears Rachel telling Phoebe that she's jealous because she has a crush on Joey. Charlie later tells Rachel that she overheard, but she thinks it was Phoebe saying that she had a thing for Joey. But why would Charlie think that? There are context clues in the conversation Charlie overheard about who was who--Rachel even addresses Phoebe by name at one point. The writers could have taken the hints out or, even better, put in something misleading that would plausibly cause Charlie's confusion. They just didn't bother.

Another: Phoebe is gushing about how attracted she is to David. Monica, disbelievingly, says, "The scientist guy? Really?" Phoebe responds, "Chandler? Really?" That was a little amusing--the first time they used it (verbatim), in Season Seven (in "The One with All the Cheesecakes").

"The One with Rachel's Other Sister" is bogged down by the cartoonish, entirely unbelievable hatefulness of Christina Applegate's Amy, and it doesn't have anything else going for it either.

One plotline in "The One with Rachel's Phone Number" involves Mike and Ross hanging out and discovering they have nothing to talk about. Attention, all writers of anything ever: watching people being awkwardly bored is awkward and boring.

Joey's nervousness about getting a big, romantic storyline on Days of Our Lives is nonsense. Joey's been an actor for almost 20 years and he's never played "in love" before? Please.

The gag where Joey doesn't know what air quotes mean is dumb. First of all, everybody knows what they mean. Second of all, because of point #1, Joey has of course used air quotes in previous episodes.

I loathe the character Gavin. It's written badly and acted execrably. I'll admit, I haven't seen enough things Dermot Mulroney is in to know if he's a complete and utter no-talent hack, or if he merely put no effort into this one role.

Big things that drive me crazy:
None of the Ross and Rachel "romantic" stuff that happens this season makes sense. Ross totally drops his plans to try to date again because Rachel, in a moment of panic that she immediately regretted, said yes to Joey's (non-) proposal? Why? They both freak out when Rachel gives out her phone number to some random dude? Why? Ross is infuriated when Rachel kisses her co-worker? And then gets "revenge" by pretending to be dating some loser woman? Why? Phoebe keeps insisting (in "The One with the Blind Dates") that Rachel and Ross should be together because they're "so good together"? Good gravy, Phoebe, WHY?

Mike really loves Phoebe, but, not to over-use the question . . . why? All we really see of Mike is that he's a nice guy. I wish there was something weird and interesting about him that showed us he's a good match for Phoebe.

Even worse is the Phoebe-Mike-David love triangle introduced in the second half of the season. Before this season, David had only appeared twice, but his first episode in particular was really memorable and good. Over the course of the series, Phoebe dates a lot of guys, but rarely seriously--she loved David, and he was for her The One That Got Away. It was therefore a good decision to bring him back in the ninth season to provide contrast with Phoebe's new great love, Mike. The show creates a lot of believable conflict/drama with Phoebe's feelings for Mike conflicting with her feelings for David, and then it just poops all over it in the season finale. David, being pathetic and lame, decided to propose to Phoebe too soon and Phoebe, being weird and dumb, decides she'll accept even though she loves Mike more than David (but doesn't the fact that Phoebe and David both want to rush into a bad decision show their compatibility? I think so). Then when Mike shows up at the last minute to declare his love, Phoebe declares her love back and Monica and Chandler celebrate that they've gotten back together and everyone will be happy again forever. Except oh, wait! David's standing right there as all of this goes down. So thanks, show, for bringing back a beloved character just to thoroughly humiliate him for no apparent reason.

Little thing that I don't know how to feel about:
When Ross gets all hyped up on maple candy, Schwimmer's acting is not entirely different from an Emo Phillips impression.

Little things I love:
Joey wondering what "Ross" is short for. You know, Rossell? Rosstopher?

The "It's [NOT] a Boy!" banner they hang up for Rachel. (The store was all out of "It's a Girl!")

I agree with Ross: "Baby Got Back" does promote healthy body image.

Big thing I love:
One thing that Friends did well over and over is break-ups. (OK, aside from the Phoebe and David one I just complained about.) Monica and Richard broke up because she wanted to have kids, and he didn't. Her perspective made sense; his perspective made sense; it was an irreconcilable difference. Ross and Rachel became increasingly frustrated with each other because her career changed the dynamics of the relationship--he got ever-more annoyed because of jealousy of her co-worker and jealousy of time spent away from him; she got annoyed by his annoyance. The relationship became more and more fraught until it ruptured. Chandler breaks up with Janice (well, one of the times Chandler breaks up with Janice) because she still has feelings for the father of her child, and Chandler--because he loves her--wants her family to stay together if there's a chance it will work.

Season Nine has another realistic breakup, that of Phoebe and Mike. Phoebe realizes, because she's so happy with Mike, that she wants a traditional relationship, one that will lead to marriage and kids and driving a sensible car. But it turns out that Mike, who got burned bad by his first marriage (we never learn which of his possessions his ex-wife defecated on . . . but still) won't consider getting married again. Phoebe's already opened Pandora's wedding box, though, and decides that if Mike won't marry her, she needs to be with somebody else who will. Again: this is a believable situation that you could easily imagine happening to one of your real-life friends, so it resonates pretty well when it happens to one of the Friends.

Lines:

• Joey: "You don't have a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?"
• Chandler, to Monica: "You know how competitive you get, and while I say it's cute, others disagree and I'm lying!"
• Chandler, upon being ignored: "Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?"
• Phoebe, in her Katherine Hepburn voice: "Here's something rich--thirteen bathrooms in this place; I threw up in the coat closet!"
• Ross: "If she's never had a serious relationship, do you think I'd go around broadcasting it, like some kind of . . . unstoppable moron?"
  
• Chandler: "You're smiling." Joey: "No I'm not." Chandler: "Yes, you are. I can tell by the way your mouth is."
  

Let's talk about Rachel:
Rachel is the hardest Friend to characterize in a nutshell. You know how when there's a group of four girls/women, they dole out who's the Carrie, Miranda, etc.? Well, when you try to do the same with the Friends characters in a group of three, it tends to go (in my experience), "Well, I'm obviously a Monica, and you're clearly a Phoebe and I guess that makes you, [third person], the Rachel. You, um, date guys sometimes."

Because what is there to say about Rachel? You assume she's sort of, for lack of a better term, boy-crazy, but it's not like she dates any more than Monica (when Monica's single, of course), and she dates less than Phoebe. She seems like sort of a daddy's girl, except when her terrifying daddy actually shows up. She starts out spoiled, but she grows out of that. She's sort of shallow, but on the other hand she dated Ross, a nerd who, as Homer Simpson pointed out, "is handsome in an ugly sort of way." She likes to shop, but . . . well yeah, she definitely likes to shop.

Two big things happen with Rachel this season, both of which reflect her malleability as a character. First, she becomes a mom. That makes sense as a character progression; parenthood is a very common aspect of continuing to grow up. The problem is that show can't decide what kind of mom she is. In "The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner" she, if you will, pitches a spaz about leaving Emma with Ross's mom for the evening, believing something terrible will happen if she, Rachel, isn't with Emma at every moment. In "The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work," she cuts her maternity leave short, before she and Ross have made arrangements for Emma's care, because she imagines that her job is threatened. Now, I know moms get more relaxed the older their babies get, but the second thing is her just plain old being a bad mom.

Rachel's other big storyline is her crush on Joey. This plot pales in comparison to Season Eight's Joey-falls-in-love-with-Rachel arc. For one thing, it's not nearly as sympathetic because, as Rachel tells anyone who will listen, her thing for Joey is just physical. As a corollary, the situation doesn't reveal anything new about Rachel. When Joey fell for her, it showed us a new side of his character. It wasn't inconsistent with who we already knew Joey to be, but it did give him new depth. Rachel wanting Joey just shows old self-centered, jealous, shallow Rachel. (They really did go to the jealousy well with her a lot.) Not terribly interesting. The only way it does affect her character is that the writers dumbed her down to make her seem to fit better with Joey. (During Ross's keynote speech, Rachel laughs at "homo" while Joey laughs at "erectus." Boom! Now I'm convinced they're perfect for each other!)

And you know what's weird? I don't even dislike Rachel (except maybe when she ditches her baby to engage in stilted "sexual tension" banter with that puke Gavin). I like her fine. It's just . . . I can't really tell you why.


(For those keeping track at home, we've now "talked about" Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Janice, Ross & Rachel, and Chandler & Monica. I'm excited about this feature in the Season Ten write-up. [As a hint, it's not Joey & Chandler. That got cut in favor of Chandler & Monica.)

Top three episodes (by default):
"The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song"
or: "The One Where Phoebe Meets Mike's Parents" or: "The One with Richard's Sex Tape"

"The One with the Blind Dates"
or: "The One Where Monica and Chandler Babysit Emma"

"The One with the Soap Opera Party"
or: "The One Where Chandler Goes to a One-Woman Play" Click here to read more . . .

Friends: Season Eight

In general:
This is the bounceback season. Whereas Season Seven was not as good as Season Six was not as good as Season Five, Eight actually improved on the one that preceded it. Adding a baby to rejuvenate a show is a hoary and deservedly much-mocked cliche, but in this case it worked. Rachel's pregnancy gave the show a real shot in the arm--it's not just that it allowed for Big Event episodes (like the season finale where she gives birth), but that it provided new material on a week-to-week basis. When you've already cranked out 170 episodes, that's an important contribution.

Now, it's not like this season is heyday-good. There are problems. Phoebe is nasty to the point where you have to start wondering, "Why on earth would they hang out with her?" (And oh, sweet heavens, the episode where she wants Ross to get her Sting tickets is bad. Not even "Rooooosssss can!" saves that garbage.) Monica repeatedly acts like she needs professional help. And medication. It seems like Chandler goes whole episodes without making any jokes that aren't about how pathetic/effeminate/even more pathetic he is.

Ross has his ups and downs. Which is good, because it's been a few seasons since Ross had any ups. Even though this season features at one occassion where Ross's actions should have been reported to the police (the episode where he breaks into his ex-girlfriend's apartment to try to get his pink shirt back), it also features moments of emotional honesty with him the likes of which we hadn't seen since the first season. He gets bothered that he's having another kid outside of a stable family situation--he should be bothered by that, so it's good that he is. He hates that he misses out on important pregnancy milestones and that he's not there fore Rachel when she needs help--and he should feel that way, so we appreciate that he does. Even though he has a long being-a-lousy-boyfriend arc while he dates Mona, the re-emergence of his caring, good-dad tendencies means this evens out to a pretty OK season for him.

Of course, the major revelation of this season is Joey. Joey could have depth?! Why yes. Yes he could.

Little things that drive me crazy:
When Phoebe has the hots for her sister's fiance/ex-fiance, Sean Penn. Not because of the sister angle, but because Sean Penn is really gross.

Rachel has a line in "The One with the Rumor" where she says that she and Ross dated for two years. No, they didn't. Their relationship was spread over two different seasons, but they broke up on their first anniversary. C'mon, writers.

A smaller continuity mistake: Monica claims (in the episode where Ross gives a key to his apartment to Mona, only to discover it was his only key) that Ross never gave her or anyone else a spare key. Then why did we see people get into his apartment when he wasn't there? Several times? (Just off the top of my head: when Rachel went over there to get margarita supplies and overheard a phone message from Emily; when Monica used his apartment as a second place to make Thanksgiving food and saw everybody else playing with Phoebe's contraband dog from Ross's window; and when Phoebe and Rachel snuck in to test Ross's unagi.)

What in the world is this costume?
That drives me crazy that whole episode.

Brad Pitt does an awful, AWFUL job in the Thanksgiving episode. Worst celebrity guest star ever? Discuss.

Little things that are reminders that this season started airing in the fall of 2001:
Messages like "I [heart] NY" and "FDNY" on the board on Joey's door

Different FDNY shirts on multiple cast members

An American flag shows up on Joey's wall; a huge one hangs on the back wall of Central Perk for a few episodes (and gets replaced by a big Uncle Sam painting)

Little thing that's weird:
There are two episodes in this season that I don't know what their names are because the DVD case and the DVD menu don't agree. Is it "The One Where Rachel Tells . . . " or "The One Where Rachel Tells Ross"? Is it "The One with the Creepy Holiday Card" or "The One with Ross's Step Forward"? How can it even be a question? I'm so confused.

Little things I love:
How it makes perfect sense that Rachel move in with Ross so they can share baby-related experiences and responsibilities . . . and it also makes perfect sense that Ross's girlfriend would find the situation ludicrous.

Phoebe's claim that she's a big fan of the Green Bay . . . Mermen.

Joey's ideas for Mona's Halloween costume: bikini model, slutty nurse, sexy cheerleader, Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre--no wait, slutty Leatherface.

Joey reassures Rachel that she's not bad with kids; they just get a little crazy on Halloween. And Christmas, and their birthdays, and during the summer, and any time they're hungry or sleepy.

Angry pregnant Rachel, who Ross supposes will give birth to a child that's half-human, half pure evil.

I feel like I should be driven crazy by how contrived Joey's not-really-a-proposal is (the ring Ross's mom has given him in hopes he'll give it to Rachel falls out of Ross's unattended jacket; Joey finds it, kneels down to pick it up, and turns to show it to Rachel; Rachel assumes he's proposing and says yes), but it's all set in motion so neatly that I actually like it quite a bit.

Lines:

• Ross, congratulating Monica and Chandler on their wedding: "I'm so happy for you guys. And you are both so lucky! I mean, you both said the right names . . . and nobody was drunk . . . and nobody was gay . . . [starts to weep] And on your first try!"
• Monica: "We're a team! We're in this together!" Chandler: "I fear a jury will see things the same way!"
• Phoebe suggests baby names: "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo."
• Rachel's OB-GYN: "I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo."
• Ross: "Joey hasn't had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth."
• Chandler: "I'm not great at the advice. . . . Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
• Rachel, desperate to think of a work problem to discuss with Joey: "It's about my boss. . . . and my baby. . . . . My boss wants to buy my baby!"
• Rachel, after Joey confronts her boss: "I'm gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?" Chandler: "You could sell your baby."

Let's talk about Joey:
I'm still surprised by how well the writers and actors accomplished the Joey Falls in Love with Rachel storyline. Matt LeBlanc is no great shakes as an actor; let's just all agree on that. And Joey often had little going for him as a character.

The writers could never seem to decide from season to season (or episode to episode) just how stupid Joey should be. There are times when they give him clever jokes or accomplish something fairly impressive (in the latter case, I'm mostly just thinking of the Season Five scene where he engineering a way for Chandler and Monica to kiss at midnight without giving away their Secret Love). But then there are the times when he doesn't know what fairly common words mean, or when he doesn't know what air quotes are. He ranges from "the dim side of average" to "Wait, shouldn't this guy be living in a group home of some sort?" Unfathomably Stupid Joey provides easy jokes. Ha ha, he ate something off the floor! Ha ha, Chandler had to teach him what an answering machine is! Ha ha, his friends call him an idiot to his face!

Clearly, Joey can be more than Stupid Slutty Guy. And the other side of the idiotic-manchild coin is that there's an innocence and sweetness to Joey that the other characters can't pull off. One thing I haven't figured out about Joey is whether it was coincidental or necessary that he fell in love with Rachel while she was pregnant. Would it have been plausible to us, the audience, for him to fall in love with her if she had just been in her normal circumstances? On the one hand, maybe they just happened to come up with the two plot ideas around the same time. On the other hand, it might be that Rachel's increased vulnerability (at least in Joey's eyes) helped to draw out protectiveness and more emotional involvement in Joey. And of course, Rachel being pregnant with Ross's child (and not just Ross's ex-girlfriend) increases the drama inherent in Joey's attraction, making the whole plot higher-stakes. I suppose my final assessment is that sure, they could have had Joey fall in love with a single, carefree Rachel, but it wouldn't have been nearly as sympathetic or engaging.

Without Season Eight of Friends, there never would have been a Joey. I know that doesn't sound like a compliment, but I do mean it as one. This season made Joey (and Matt LeBlanc) seem like he could carry the dramatic load of a series when need be, because he carried one of the best storylines in the later half of this series.

Top four episodes:
"The One with the Stripper"
or: "The One Where Rachel's Dad Finds Out"

"The One with the Birthing Video"
or: "The One Where Rachel Moves In" or: "The One Where Joey Breaks the Dog"

"The One Where Joey Tells Rachel"
or: "The One with Monica's Soulmate"

including the classic:
"The One Where Rachel Has a Baby" Click here to read more . . .

Friends: Season Seven

In general:
Let's not beat around the bush: this season isn't good. It's not terrible, but it's not good. There are no episodes that are horrible to the point of being unwatchable, but virtually every episode has at least one storyline that's lazy, nonsensical, unpleasant, boring, or just bad. Sub-par writing is the biggest problem with this season, but sub-par acting intrudes as well--this was the season that Matthew Perry was grappling with his prescription drug problem, and it shows.

This season also starts to get gimmicky, although not all gimmicks are bad. There's an increase in the frequency of celebrity guest stars, but it must be said that Susan Sarandon and Kathleen Turner do marvelously, stuntcasting or no. (Even Jason Alexander does OK.) Meanwhile, story arcs are rather thin on the ground. Besides the big one of The Wedding approaching, all there is is Joey going back to Days of Our Lives (which doesn't get that much screen time) and Rachel wanting to date then dating her cute young assistant, Tag. That's it. Aside from the Tag imbroglio, nobody even dates much. (Phoebe dates some blond guy who shows up in two separate episodes and has roughly six lines, and that's about it.) A lot of things happen, but unless they're wedding-related, they're not related to anything else.

Oh, and Phoebe kisses Rachel. Remember when people made a big deal out of that?

Little things that drive me crazy:
It's so sweet when Ross buys Phoebe a bicycle because she never had one when she was a kid. But then he goes and ruins it by being a jerk and bullying her into riding it.

The whole "Rachel once kissed a girl (played by guest star Winona Ryder)!" plot is pretty annoying--Rachel keeps embarrassing herself trying to convince Phoebe that it really happened, even though Winona keeps denying it. But then at the end it turns out that Winona not only remembered it happening, but had secretly been in love with Rachel and yearning for Rachel to return her love for all the years since it happened. I guess I should applaud the show for doing something unexpected--since I bag on it when it's super predictable--but that's just sad. (And creepy.)

Rachel and Phoebe fight over a guy in "The One with Joey's New Brain," then two episodes later, they re-use the same device by having Ross and Joey fight over Gabrielle Union in "The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress."

In "The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin," Rachel and Phoebe don't realize that they're supposed to host a bridal shower for Monica, so they just haphazardly throw one together. They keep messing everything up, but at the end, it's Monica who ends up embarrassing herself in front of the whole party because of their screwups. Why does Monica get the karmic punishment for their mistakes?

Big things that drive me crazy:
You know the episode where Ross ends up massaging an old guy ("The One with Rachel's Book")? He ends up doing that because Phoebe was staying with him, and a massage client came by while she was out. Ross thought that the client was a hot young woman, and so claimed to be a masseur; it turned out she was just dropping off her dad. Here's my question: what if Ross had succeeded in his goal of giving the hot woman a massage? He would have convinced her to undress and allow him to touch her naked body under false pretenses. I bet a competent prosecutor could make a case against Ross in those circumstances and get him convicted of Class A misdemeanor sexual assault. My point is: this one is low, even for Ross.

I hate the A plot in "The One with the Nap Partners." Ross and Joey accidentally fall asleep on a couch together and after waking up, incredibly embarrassed, realize it was "the best nap ever." Joey then tries to lure Ross into napping with him again. Now, clearly, the napping is treated like a metaphor for sex. ("Ha ha! Isn't it hilarious that they're treating this like they slept together?!") But it doesn't make any sense. Napping? Really? It would be more believable if they were actually sexually experimenting with each other. I'm just sayin'.

Ross makes a move on his cousin. C'mon, dude, that's sick. (Why is Ross so terrible?)

Pray indulge me while I break down a weak episode:
Again, it's not that seventh season episodes make me want to gouge my eyes out with a fork or anything, but they too often tend toward the lazy, the cartoonish, and the contrived. For my money, the worst episode of the season is "The One with the Cheesecakes."

Here's what happens: Chandler accidentally eats a cheesecake that was meant to be shipped to one of his neighbors; he and Rachel enjoy the cheesecake so much that they end up stealing another one from the same neighbor; the cheesecakes eventually turn them against each other as they fight over who gets to eat more. Joey and Phoebe have a standing friend-date, but when Joey cancels on her for a real date, Phoebe reads him the riot act; then when her long lost love David the Scientist Guy comes to town for one day, she decides she can't cancel on Joey and instead tries to rush through dinner with him to meet up with David later; when Joey finds out, he tries to thwart her. Monica has not been invited to her cousin's wedding, even though Ross has; she is furious and decides to go as Ross's date so she can rub it in her cousin's face that she's there; it turns out that she wasn't invited because she once slept with her cousin's new husband.

Each of those plots is problematic. The Chandler/Rachel plot is completely wrong for those characters. What about the nature of either Chandler or Rachel would make them care so much about some cheesecake that they'll rob some old lady? The writers clearly just wanted to pair those two characters and couldn't think of an organic way to do it. If it was Monica and Joey (who both, in their own ways, love food), it would make sense; as it is, it does not.

The Phoebe/Joey plot reeks of contrivance at every turn. We've never heard of these special Phoebe-Joey times (to the show's credit, neither have any of the other characters); it doesn't really make sense that Phoebe would be that mad at Joey in the first place; and why wouldn't Phoebe just explain to Joey that the love of her life was in town for one night only? (Also problematic: that David didn't try to find her earlier in his trip. Again, the show tries to explain that away, but it's inadequate.) None of the actions taken in that plot resemble the actions that real people would take.

Finally, there are two different problems with the Monica plot: first of all, there is no slight grievous enough to justify trying to ruin a bride's wedding day. Monica's decision to try to wreck--again--HER COUSIN'S WEDDING DAY--is unpardonable. Above and beyond Normal Monica Craziness. Secondly, and I actually find this more offensive, the upshot of the plot (that Monica had slept with the groom) would have been so much funnier if they had used anybody we'd ever seen on the show. We can only tell that it's an ex-boyfriend of Monica's by her reaction, but it would be far more comedically satisfying if, say, it was Fun Bobby who turned around to bring home the reason Monica hadn't been invited.

While this is the only individual episode this season this riddled with problems, the same sorts of thing happen repeatedly throughout the season. So it isn't a total disaster, but it is a bit of a mess.

Little things I love:
The dynamic between Joey and Cecilia Monroe, the soap opera actress played by Susan Sarandon, is actually very sweet. (He respects and admires--as opposed to objectifies/lusts after--her, and she doesn't tell him he's an idiot like his friends so often do [especially this season, it seems like]; she just appreciates his good intentions and rolls with it when he says something a little dumb.) They're surprisingly good together.

Rachel's short haircut is really cute. (I can't get my hair to do that--I've tried.)

The contest between Rachel and Phoebe over who gets to be Monica's maid of honor.

This:
{removed, perhaps someday to return: video of Joey's explanation of "moo point."}

The game where you try to list all 50 states in six minutes.

That Joey lists 56 states (two of which are New England and South Oregon).

"The One Where They All Turn Thirty" is fun because of its non-chronological structure (switching among different thirtieth birthdays), and I like the contrast between Rachel's and Phoebe's goals for their thirties. (Rachel's are about when she wants to get engaged, get married, and start having her three children; Phoebe's are about bouncing for a mile on a hippity-hop, meeting a Portugese person, and going to sniper school.)

Kathleen Turner as Chandler's dad is delightful. Best big-name Friends guest star ever? Discuss.

Lines:

• Rachel: "I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here." Phoebe: "Nope, just a regular old flying dwarf."
• Monica, distraught that Ross wants to play the bagpipes at the wedding: "Why is your family Scottish?!" Chandler: "Why is your family ROSS?!"
• Phoebe, on the band Chandler wants to play at the wedding: "They suck so much that people actually die at their concerts. They just stop living."
• Monica: "Who did we fight in World War I?" Rachel: " . . . Mexico?"
• Ross: "Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?" Chandler: "No." Ross: "Then you are neither of your parents!"
• Phoebe: "Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!"
• Cecilia Monroe, asking where Joey had heard she was leaving Days of Our Lives: "Which writer? Was it bald or was it tall?"
  

The best line of the season is, when Ross is improvising that his Holiday Armadillo character is Santa's part-Jewish friend, Monica snarks, "Because armadillos also wandered in the desert?" Here's a little story about how good it is: my friend Lindsay was a TA for a class on the Jewish experience in America and one week borrowed my DVD to show "The One with the Holiday Armadillo" to her sections. She had to watch the episode six times in just a few days, but still laughed at that line on every viewing.

Let's talk about Chandler:
Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, this season is a low point for Chandler because it was a low point in the life of Matthew Perry. As I wrote in my notes when watching the seventh season premiere, "Matthew Perry lost like 30 lbs and 75% of his acting ability." There are even a few episodes where they worked around him by putting him in just one or two scenes, and that throws off the group dynamic.

"Chandler-humor" is one of Friends' distinguishing features; Chandler isn't the glue that holds the show together, exactly, but I would argue that more than the other character, he is the show's trademark. When Chandler's brand of humor is missing due to bad writing, strained acting, or simple absence of Chandler, it hurts the show. Of course, all of the members of the ensemble are important but, for example, an episode feels more "off" when Perry is out with prescription drug problems than when Schwimmer is scarce because he's directing the episode.

The more long-term injury to the show is that, at some point, the writers no longer knew who Chandler was supposed to be. At the very beginning of the series, Chandler is the most well-defined of all the characters. He's the funny guy; he's the guy who's sarcastic because he's insecure; he's the guy who's too immature to have a meaningful relationship but wishes he wasn't; he has a dull, soulless corporate job that he knows he's wrong for but which makes him successful; he makes fun of other people but he's just as quick to make fun of himself.

During the first six seasons of the show, the character stays consistent even while growing as a person. A series of serious relationships (with Janice, Kathy, and Monica) slowly teaches Chandler more confidence and courage--he still screws up sometimes when he's with Monica, but he knows when he does it and has the ability to make it better. He stops acting like a kid around Joey, but stays good friends with him. His job troubles mostly fade into the background.

But in Season Seven, the Chandler-based humor starts to turn from "Ha ha, another great Chandler zinger!" to "Ha ha, Chandler is pathetic!" People start to talk about him like he's not there or he's not worth noticing; he's inept at simple tasks; he can't perform sexually, etc. This trend continues in the last few seasons. Instead of becoming more confident in himself while everything goes right in his life, he inexplicably becomes less confident and less competent. Although it's not as noticeable as the devolution of Ross-humor, which depends more and more on Ross spazzing out in humiliating situations, it's a little sadder, because it depends on Chandler quietly becoming more and more pathetic. Maybe writing for a Chandler who continued to blossom and mature while still being funny was too hard. But I contend, based on the several seasons in which it did happen, that it was possible.

Top episodes:
"The One Where They All Turn Thirty"

"The One with Joey's New Brain"
or: "The One Where Ross Plays the Bagpipes" or: "The One Where Rachel and Phoebe Fight Over the Cell Phone"

"The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding"
or: "The One Where Joey Shoots a War Movie" or: "The One with the Pregnancy Test"

including the total classic:
"The One with the Holiday Armadillo"
or: "The One Where Phoebe Gets Joey Drums and a Tarantula" or: "The One Where Chandler is No Good at Bribery"
Click here to read more . . .

FISTFIGHT: Bertie Wooster vs. Chandler Bing

(Blogsplosion Post #1, in response to this comment)

If Bertie Wooster and Chandler Bing got into a fistfight, who would win? Wooster, at 6' 2 1/2", would have the height advantage, though not a tremendous one, over the 6' Bing. (Chandler's weight has been known to fluctuate noticeably, so the advantage there is hard to call.) Both men are considered by those around them to be, frankly, sissies, making this a pretty interesting matchup. Since neither one has a clear physical or temperamental advantage, it would come down to strategy. Before the fistfight began, Bertie would clearly consult with Jeeves, who would then come up with an ingenious plan. However, Jeeves' plan would likely result in Bertie's defeat in the fistfight, which would somehow help one of Bertie's friends get the girl or perhaps thwart Aunt Agatha.


Winner: Chandler Bing Click here to read more . . .

Friends: Season Six

In general:
Before I embarked on this project, I had thought that Friends peaked with Seasons 3, 4, and 5, then dropped off a little bit in Season 6. But on further review, it turns out that the Season 6 dropoff is a little steeper than I believed. Most of the episodes are made up of a couple OK plots and one annoying one, or maybe two medicore plots and one based on one strong joke (examples of the latter: "The One Where Phoebe Runs" and "The One with Ross's Teeth." They ride the title jokes really hard, because they're hilarious, but there's not really much else going on.)

That said, there's not much that's terrible, either. There's no one subplot that sets my teeth on edge. "The One with the Unagi" is fairly lame, what with Chandler being a weasel about making a Valentine present for Monica, the weaksauce plot with Joey trying to get into a twin study, and the fairly repugnant scene where Ross tries to get a self-defense instructor to tell him how better to attack women. But even so, the "unagi" jokes are good enough that the episode isn't a waste of time. All in all, the only truly horrible aspect of this season is Elle MacPherson's acting. (Wow, she's bad. Wow.)

Season 6 is a fairly aimiable one (although that would be more true if you could subtract most of what Ross does) and, of course, an important one. It finds Ross a fitting job; it shifts roommates around until it comes out with the surprisingly good pairing of Joey and Rachel; and it makes Monica and Chandler an officially serious couple and then gets them engaged. Plus, it shows us what an alternate reality would be like, and that's always fun.

Little things that drive me crazy:
It's always weird to realize how long they had Phoebe living with Monica and Chandler, because they did very little with it. But then, what little they did with it showed that it did not offer many comedic possibilities. I think those three characters just bring out the worst in each other.

Directly from my notes: "Ross handles embarrassing situations poorly."

At the end of "The One with the Routine," it's the Christmas season and Joey and Janine kiss. At the beginning of "The One with the Apothecary Table," Joey burts in to brag about how he and Janine just kissed. It's no longer Christmas and everybody's wearing different clothes. (They do better with the short gap between "The One with Rachel's Sister" and "The One Where Chandler Can't Cry"; Monica's not sick anymore, but at least everybody's wearing the same clothes.)

Speaking of "The One with the Apothecary Table," I've liked that episode much less ever since I saw it pointed out that it's one long Pottery Barn commercial.

Joey says he'll give Ross free stuff at the coffee shop, as Joey has done for a particular hot (?) girl, "when you look like [she does] in a tight skirt." A tight skirt? A tight sweater, yes; a short skirt, yes; but does "tight skirt" make any sense? That's just not a thing.

Just little things:
They leave it unresolved, but I have a hard time believing Chandler didn't make up the joke about the doctor who's a monkey.

I, too, don't know what a pashmina is.

Little things I love:
The studio audience gets so sad when Monica and Chandler break the news to Joey that Chandler's moving out. Their hearts break for Joey's heartbreak!

The ambiguity of whether Phoebe's roommate, Denise, really exists.

When Monica was a little girl, she didn't have a crush on the Six Million Dollar Man; she had a crush on Kermit the Frog. (Girl, I can identify.)

Phoebe's magic purse (containing, among many other things, a goldfish in a bag).

Ross being touched that Rachel remembers what a trilobite is.

The sunburst-shaped lightswitch plate by Monica's front door. (I just noticed it.)

This:
{removed: a Hulu video, can't remember of what}

Chandler's Tintin shirt in "The One that Could Have Been."

Monday = One Day, Tuesday = Two Day, Wednesday = When? huh? what day? Thursday = the Third Day.

Rachel's insistence that she can beat up all game show hosts.

How Matt LeBlanc plays the scene in "The One with the Proposal" when Joey tells Chandler that Monica's run off (although it turns out she hasn't really): it's fairly subtle, but he does it as Acting Joey instead of Regular Joey.

Lines!:

• Phoebe: "Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! . . . Mine's gonna say 'Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive.' "
• Joey: "When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus, or catch on fire! It wouldn't matter! Now I gotta be careful?!" Chandler: "I'm sorry, man, there's never a good time to . . . stop catching on fire."
• To Ross, who has crazily over-whitened his teeth--Chandler: "What was wrong with your old . . . human teeth?"
• Monica: "Do you want to try this highlighter again?" Ross: "Nah, I think it poisoned me a little."
• Chandler: "Why haven't you told them?" Monica: "I was going to, I really was, but then somehow--just outta nowhere!--I didn't."
• Rachel: "Look, I'm melting butter!" Monica: "Great, Rach! You now have the cooking skills of a hot day."
• Ross: "It tastes like feet!" Joey: "I like it!" Ross: "Are you kidding?" Joey: "What's not to like? Custard good, jam good, meat GOOD."
• Ross, after promising to be cool: "OH MY GOD IT'S JUST LIKE I DREAMED IT!"
• Rachel: "Well, you don't want to try too much, too fast. You do remember what happened to The Little Girl Who Tried Too Much Too Fast, don't you?" Jill: "What?" Rachel: "She . . . she died, Jill."
• Monica: "You're jealous of Princess Caroline?" Rachel: "Do I have my own castle?"
• Phoebe: "C'mon Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper."
• Joey: "Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife."
  

And then there's Phoebe's prediction of how all their lives will play out:
Phoebe: "Well, first Chandler and Monica will get married--and be filthy rich, by the way--but it won't work out."
Joey: "Wow."
Phoebe: "I know. Then I'm gonna marry Chandler, for the money, and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids."
Joey: "Great."
Phoebe: "But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids--and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem."
Joey: "Oh, what about Ross?"
Phoebe: "I don't want to go into the whole thing, but, um, we have words and I kill him."

Let's talk about Janice:
Friends fun fact: this is the only season in which Janice does not appear. Her voice shows up in "The One with the Unagi" (on the mix tape Chandler had claimed to make for Monica), and that's the least Janice any season ever has.

I've got a theory about Janice.

There are really two Janices. They have a lot in common, sure--whiny voice, that laugh, a distinct lack of social-and self-awareness. Janice 1 exists from Season 1 to Season 3; Janice 2 exists in Season 4 and beyond (except, arguably, for her appearance in Season 5). Janice 2 is born in the Season 4 episode "The One with All the Rugby." As Chandler explains, "You know all those little annoying things that she did before we fell in love? You know, like her voice and her laugh and her personality? Well, they're all back! And she's picked up like nine new ones!" From that point on (except in Season 5's "The One with Chandler's Work Laugh," to which we will return later), Janice is deployed to create uncomfortable/horrible situations.

In Season 10, she might move in next door to Monica and Chandler, because she'd be the worst neighbor ever! In Season 9, she sees them at the fertility clinic because who could more embarrassing to see at a fertility clinic?!? In Season 8, she ends up in Rachel's semi-private hospital room, because there's nobody worse to be trapped with in a small space! Janice is probably worst in her seventh season appearance. After she finds out that Chandler is marrying Monica, she starts trying to invade their lives, becoming the House Guest That Will Never Leave, thanks to her total inability to realize they want her to leave. She's annoying in every possible way there is to be annoying. (Incidentally, it's fairly infuriating that the writers repeated the Janice solution from Season 7--pretend Chandler's still in love with her to scare her away!--in Season 10. That's just insulting.) "The One with the Unagi" show that just the reminder that Chandler used to date Janice is insulting to Monica once he's dating her. The tone for all of this is set in Janice 2's first appearance, when Chandler is so desperate to get away from her that he pretends to move to Yemen. And apparently flies there, or something. I don't know. The Yemen episode also sets the low standards that Janice 2 episodes got held to.

Janice 1 episodes are more interesting. Janice starts out as the woman that Chandler is terrible at breaking up with. In her first appearance ("The One with the East German Laundry Detergent") she's a cool photographer who cares about Chandler enough to give him Rocky socks to match his Bullwinkle socks. Chandler makes a mess of their breakup because he's a mess when it comes to relationships. Janice is more overtly annoying in "The One with the Monkey," when she goes overboard gushing about how she and Chandler are "back together." She doesn't know that he just wanted Some Girl to be with at a New Year's Party, and he can't set her straight without hurting her. Again, Chandler is inadequate at handling the interaction.

Then there's "The One with the Candy Hearts." Chandler and Janice accidentally get set up on a blind double date. And oh, Janice is angry. ("By the way, Chandler, I cut you out of all my pictures, so if you want, I have a bag with just your heads. . . . You could make little puppets out of them and use them in your theater of cruelty.") Here too, she's overreacting, but it's not like Chandler is blameless for his behavior. They end up in bed together and once more Janice thinks they're officially Together while that's the last thing Chandler wants. Or is it? Chandler tells her it's not happening and Janice responds in what is, I think, her finest moment:


Season 2's "The One Where Heckles Dies" is all about Chandler's relationship inadequacies. He decides he's too picky and will therefore die alone. In desperation, he calls up his safety net. Janice (in her second-best burn) shows up married and pregnant. No dice, Chan-Chan Man. (Side note: "The One Where Heckles Dies" only aired eight months after "The One with the Candy Hearts," and Maggie Wheeler was pretty big, pregnancy-wise. Janice moved fast! [Maybe that's why it ended up not working out?])

I also like "The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding," at the end of the second season. Chandler meets a girl on the internet who gets him; she calls him on his nonsense and makes him happy. He's devastated when he finds out she's married, but is willing to give it a shot when she says she wants to meet him.

Of course it's Janice. In her finest moment, she was right.

The first several episodes of Season 3 show Chandler not just dating Janice, but really happy with her. The conflicts in their relationship don't come from her flaws. Joey dislikes her, but that only causes friction between Chandler and Joey (which Janice does her best, bless her heat, to fix). They hit a slight rough patch when Chandler gets freaked out about being in a committed relationship, and then he overcompensates and freaks Janice out ("I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!"). But Janice forgives him readily when he finally manages to explain what he's feeling. (And they even exchange "I love you"s. Aww.)

The only thing that breaks them up is Janice's Complicated Situation. She's got a kid and has a chance to make it work with her estranged husband (although she and the husband apparently don't have "movie love"). Chandler does the grown-up thing and steps aside. The dating-Janice-for-reals arc show a lot of growth in Chandler's character. (Not too much, since Chandler's attempt at a mature breakup goes awry and turns into shoe theft. "You can't leave without your shoe!")

Janice 2 is all about Janice's flaws. Janice 1 is more interesting because she's all about Chandler's flaws. Like Janice 2, she has her quirks, but any story with her in it is about Chandler's inadequacies and/or his efforts to grow out of them.

Furthermore, Janice 1 is secretly awesome.

She is! She's funny and cheerful and occasionally lays the smackdown where the smackdown is due.

That's why I'd classify Janice from "The One with Chandler's Work Laugh" as Janice 1, even though it comes after the Yemen one. This is the episode where Janice hooks up with Ross. Then she dumps him because he's just too whiny. BURN! See?

Janice is awesome.

Top five episodes:
"The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance"
or: "The One Where Phoebe's Going to Die" or: "The One with Ross's Accent"

"The One Where Chandler Can't Cry"
or: "The One with Rachel's Sister, Still" or: "The One with Phoebe Buffay, Porn Star"

"The One with the Proposal"
or: "The One Where Joey Buys The Mr. Bowmont" or: "The One Where Ross Dumps Elizabeth" or: "The One with the Backups"

including the total classics:
"The One Where Ross Got High"
or: "The One with Rachel's Trifle"

"The One That Could Have Been" Click here to read more . . .

Friends: Season Five

In general:
This is my favorite season. Why? Because Chandler and Monica are secretly dating. That storyline was, is, and will always be comedy gold. Its only flaw was that it had to end sometime, and at least it did that in my favorite episode ever, "The One Where Everybody Finds Out."

However, when I viewed it with a critical eye, it became apparent that this season contains clear danger signs. Ross's rage and whininess problems are used to genuine comic effect here, but they would eventually become overused, easy jokes. And in the second half of the season, Monica begins to show flashes of horribleness: when she takes Rachel to the eye doctor and sucks up like a four year old to get a lollipop; when she takes the game of seeing how long you can play catch without dropping the ball way, way too far; and when she spends an entire episode in competition entirely in her own mind over whether she or Phoebe is in a "hotter" couple. Why couldn't they keep cute relationship Monica even after her relationship wasn't secret anymore?

But overall, this is a really fun season. There are fewer big storylines, but it is a collection of very funny episodes. Why ask for more?

Little things that drive me crazy:
The Danny storyline is an inferior rehash of season four's Joshua storyline. Rachel likes a guy who won't ask her out, so she resorts to crazy schemes to bait him into asking her out. Except this time, the guy isn't even nice. I hate Danny.

As everybody sits around in Phoebe's hospital room after she delivers her brother's babies, there is yet another occasion of Monica sitting in Ross's lap. I don't have any brothers, so I doubled checked with sister-having Neal, and he confirmed that, yes, that's creepy.

Not as creepy as Danny's inappropriate sister, though. Yikes.

When Joey walks in the door with his tux on to do the PBS telethon, Chandler spazzes out about it being the "vomit tux," a joke which goes absolutely nowhere.

Ross's hair is so ridiculous--by mid-season, it's gelled up halfway to heaven.

As much as I love Fat Monica, the jokes made about her and Ugly Naked Guy (example: he killed his cat by sitting on it) lead to the conclusion that this show kind of hates fat people.

Little things I love:

Now what man could resist that?

Joey's Ross-and-Rachel-argument survival kit, which contains: candy bars, crossword puzzles, Mad Libs, magazines, a walkie-talkie, Doritos, and of course condoms. ("You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth!" "And condoms are the way to do that.")

Joey has no particular storyline in "The One with Kips" (or: "The One Where Monica and Chandler Go Away for the Weekend" or: "The One Where Ross Won't See Rachel Anymore"), but is consistently hilarious throughout--there's the abovementioned survival kit, leaving Rollos everywhere, giving Ross the "advice" that he got married too soon, piecing together that Monica and Chandler are secretly dating, and of course saying to Chandler "Look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time, and whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you--or were you not--on a gay cruise?!"

While Phoebe and Joey argue about whether there's any such thing as an unselfish good deed, Chandler just sits there making tortured expressions.

This:
{removed: a Hulu video}

The nonverbal conversation Chandler and Joey have after Chandler sabotages Ross's application for a terrible apartment

The scene where Joey figures out how Chandler and Monica can kiss at midnight at New Year's Eve--Joey is a kiss savant!

In the episode where Ben is auditioning for a commercial, the really awesome commercial kid actor reads Variety in the background.

Little things that are just . . . little things:
At the beginning of "The One with All the Kissing" is the scene where Monica and Chandler are in the bath when Joey bursts in, so Monica holds her breath and ducks underwater until he leaves. This scene used to bother me a little, because it seemed like Joey was in there for quite a while (asking about chicken), and wouldn't Monica have had a hard time holding her breath for that long? But this time when I watched it, I held my breath along with Monica and it wasn't even really a challenge.

The main plot in "The One with Joey's Bag" just doesn't resonate as much anymore in the Era of the Messenger Bag.

The covers of the DVD sets brag about the episodes containing previously unseen footage. However, virtually every single joke that got cut for broadcast and remains on the DVD is a clunker. The only exception I ever notice is on TV, Rachel comments about Joey's girlfriend, Soleil Moon Frye, "She is so cute! You could keep her in your pocket!" On the DVD, Phoebe adds, "She could fit in that little pocket inside the pocket!" And even that's not awesome. The lesson: things get cut for a reason.

Lines!

• Chandler, after Ross says "Rachel": "It could have been worse--he could have shot her."
• Phoebe: "I don't want some guy down there telling me I'm 'dilated-a-mundo'!"
• Ross: "There are plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and . . . just see Joey at Burger King."
• Ross: "Somebody at work ate my sandwich!" Chandler: "Well, what did the police say?!"
• Phoebe: "Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop." Monica, aghast: "Phoebe!" Phoebe: "HE STABBED ME FIRST!"
• Ross, having just come home from a night with Janice: "I know what you guys are going to say--" Phoebe: "You two would have very hairy children."
• Monica: "How did you get to be so cute?" Chandler: "Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny."
• Rachel, coming back from a job interview: "I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!" Joey: "Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?"
• Chandler: "You know, I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done."
• Ross: "Are you angry with me because I said your handwriting is childlike?" Phoebe: "No, that made me feel precious."
  

And then all the comments about Rachel's hairless cat in "The One with the Ball":

• Ross: "Why's it inside-out?"
• Joey, five different times: "It's not a cat!"
• Rachel: "Every time it hisses at me, I know it's saying Rachel!"
• Rachel: "I tried, [the pet store] won't take her back." Chandler: "Maybe that's because she's a minion of the Anti-Christ."
• Rachel: "I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand!"
  

Let's talk about Monica and Chandler:
I disagree with people who think that Monica and Chandler getting together was a shark-jump moment for Friends (although maybe more people think it was them getting married, anyway--which I still disagree with). Like I have stated, their secret dating was reliable source of hilarity; their relationship after it settled down fit surprisingly well into the dynamic of the show; and you know what? they're just good together. They are.

In fact, I remember reading a reader letter in People magazine, gushing about the first season episode where Ross's son is born just after it had aired. The woman who had written it thought it was so great and that it made her really excited for the future, when she was sure that Monica and Chandler were going to get together, and Chandler was going to be all nervous about the birth of their baby. And then of course, there was a 60 Minutes piece with the cast of Friends after the fourth season finale had aired, and Ed Bradley or whoever says to Matthew Perry, "So you finally got Monica." And everybody laughs, and then Perry replies that they'd been getting a lot of that, even though they had been worried that they hadn't built up to it at all and the audience was going to be mad about it. But clearly, the most of the viewers were totally ready for it to happen, whether they knew it consciously or not.

But anyway.

Why did Monica and Chandler keep their relationship a secret for so long? They give several reasons (all to poor Joey, who suffers the most from keeping the secret): 1) they didn't want to make a big deal out of it; 2) similarly, they didn't want to deal with telling everyone; 3) it's going really well, maybe because it's a secret; 4) they're both so bad at relationships. But what I have always thought (and what I mistakely thought they had explicitly stated, until I started watching the fifth season on DVD instead of just haphazardly in syndication) was that they didn't want to be like Ross and Rachel.

Ross and Rachel always had to deal with the scrutiny of everybody else; they did almost everything in their relationship with an audience. It's obvious that Chandler couldn't have handled that. For one thing, it's Chandler. He was well established not just as commitment-phobic, but as being a spaz about it. And it's obvious that their decision to keep it secret was a good one, since in the first episode after they come out of the non-gay closet, everybody's teasing makes Chandler flip out, which makes Monica almost dump him. If they hadn't developed a relationship, slowly over several months and without all their friends badgering them about it, it couldn't have worked.

And maybe it was a good decision for Monica, too. She did OK with her public relationships with Richard and Pete, but she does go kind of crazy when she and Chandler are exposed to comparison with Phoebe and Gary the Cop. Chandler can talk her out of the insanity thanks to the confidence in them as a couple that he had built up.

Finally, I'm just glad that the writers committed to this relationship. In life, there are on-again/off-again couples and there are couples who make the traditional progression (dating, serious dating, engagement, marriage, 'til death do they part). On TV, it often seems like the former outnumber the latter. Since Ross and Rachel are couple type 1, it's good that they allowed Monica and Chandler to be couple type 2. Despite some fights and obstacles, they get together, stay together, and live happily ever after.

Worst episode name ever?:
I always have to take a second to remember which one "The One with the Kips" is. In case you are similarly confused, it's the one where Ross decides to cut Rachel out of his life so Emily will come back to him. When Rachel finds out, she has a conversation at the coffee house with everybody but Ross about how she's going to be like Chandler's old roommate Kip--Monica dated Kip but then they broke up and nobody hung out with him anymore. But this conversation takes place sixteen minutes into the episode, and the word "Kip" isn't (if I remember correctly) even mentioned again afterward. And then I don't know if "Kips," plural, is supposed to mean Rachel and the original Kip, or if it's Rachel when she thinks she'll be cut out and then Ross when he volunteers to step back, or what.

Episodes I'm not including on the top episodes list--controversially?!
"The One with the Cop"
or: "The One Where Joey Wants Closeness" or: "The One with Ross's New Couch."
Look, I love "PIVOT! PIVOT!" We all do. And the other storylines offer a fair amount of chuckles. But it's just not upper echelon.

"The One in Vegas"
I also love the Ross-drawing-on-Rachel subplot. So funny. ("Oh my god, you drew on me?!" "Hey, you wet my pants!") And TV Guide once named the moment when Ross and Rachel come out of the wedding chapel ("Hellooo, Mrs. Ross!" "Well, hellooooo, Mr. Rachel!") as #1 of the 50(?) greatest Friends moments ever. But the Identical Hand Twin story? There's only one joke which, while it's funny the first time, gets tired by the dozenth time. And then the plot where Phoebe is in a grudge match with the little old "lurker" lady is bo-ring. Maybe if it had been one half-hour instead of a two-parter, they would have trimmed that fat. In that case, it would have been a top episode.

Top six episodes:
"The One Hundredth"
or: "The with the Doctor Who Loves Fonzie" or: "The One with Joey's Kidney Stones"

"The One with Ross's Sandwich"
or: "The One Where Joey is Disgusting" or: "The One with Phoebe's Lit Class"

"The One with All the Resolutions"

"The One with Joey's Big Break"
or: "The One with Rachel's Eye" or: "The Where Phoebe is Mad at Ross"

including the total classics:
"The One with All the Thanksgivings"

"The One Where Everybody Finds Out"
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Friends: Season Four

In general:
Objectively speaking--or as objectively as one can speak when dealing with something as subjective as entertainment--this is the best season of Friends. (It's not my favorite season, but we'll get to that.)

As I have previously argued, story arcs (as opposed to plots entirely contained in one episode) are indicative of a show's quality. They show that the writers trust their audience to watch every week and to care about the characters enough to watch them go through extended stories. By my count, the fourth season has the most in number and most substantial arcs of any season so far (and maybe any season at all--I'll keep counting as I go). While my rough count of arcs for the first three seasons is three, four, and five respectively, Season Four has eight--and they're good, too. (1: Chandler and Joey get robbed and only slowly re-accumulate furnishings; 2: Joey dates and Chandler falls in love with Kathy [who then dates and cheats on Chandler]; 3: Monica and Phoebe run a catering business; 4: Monica gets a new job where everyone hates her; 5: Phoebe is a surrogate mother for her brother; 6: Monica and Rachel lose their apartment to Chandler and Joey [and then get it back]; 7: Rachel clumsily pursues and then dates Joshua [ok, that one's not so good]; 8: Ross conducts his over-hasty courtship of Emily.)

Another impressive thing about this season is the willingness to change up the status quo (in, of course, relative terms--it was a network sitcom, after all). They married Ross off, for one thing. I also admire the commitment to the changes in set dressing required by the robbery and apartment-switching storylines. Also, the Kathy storyline is great if only for its showcase of Chandler's emotional depth.

But commitment to keeping the status quo isn't always a bad thing--the way the writers handled Lisa Kudrow's pregnancy avoided almost all the pitfalls of TV pregnancy and kept it in Phoebe's character . . . but I'll come back to that later.

Also, this is the first season to feature The Joey Special (two pizzas), Ross's hand gesture, "How YOU doin'?", and Monica's "I KNOW!" (the latter of which is part of my daily vocabulary).

Little things that drive me crazy:
Despite the overall commendable commitment to keeping up continuous storylines and situations, they did drop the ball on a couple of promising things: most disappointingly, Joey's bargain with Phoebe that he'd be a vegetarian while she was pregnant so she could eat meat guilt-free. (This comes up exactly once after it's brought up, in the first episode of Season Five.) Wasted potential, I think.

Wait--if Chandler hates Thanksgiving, why does he love the parade?!

Michael Vartan (who plays Richard's son in "The One with Chandler in a Box") is pretty, but not a good actor (at least not here.) Tate Donovan (who plays Rachel's obseesion, Joshua [and who was dating Jennifer Aniston at the time]) is an OK actor but, in my opinion, definitely not pretty.

Little things I love:
Chandler's evil plan to get Phoebe to name a triplet after him

It's mentioned in the first episode that Joshua appears in that Rachel loves the name Joshua. And Aniston remained committed to pronouncing the name with relish in every episode after that.

The "Morning's Here!" guy:


When Phoebe tries to write a holiday song for her friends, it's Rachel and Chandler who point out problems in the first two versions, and it's they who get a mumbled nonsense line in the final version. (And, for the record, I think "Rachel" and "dreidel" is perfectly serviceable as a rhyme.)

There aren't many hints in "The One with Ross's Wedding" that Monica and Chandler are going to hook up, but there are two little tiny acknowledgements that the director slipped in--there are two shots in the episode where Monica is in the foreground and Chandler is included in the shot in the background, framing them together even though they're not interacting. (Yes, I've thought about this too hard. Nobody's arguing with that.)

The cute bit in "The One with the Dirty Girl" where Ross is putting on a tie, but then he hands it to Joey so he can put it on pre-tied.

What is this, Seinfeld?
There are a few things this season that are just weird in the Friends universe and seem lifted from Seinfeld's. Namely:

Rachel's boss, Joanna, promises Rachel a big promotion. But then before the paperwork goes through, Joanna is hit by a cab and dies.

When Phoebe finds out she's having triplets, Frank and Alice freak out about money and Phoebe tries to think of a way to help out (so Frank doesn't have to drop out of refrigerator college). So she (and Rachel) invent the Relaxi Taxi--Frank can drive people around while they get a massage from Phoebe. (This ties together the money, Phoebe's inability to carry a massage table as she gets bigger and bigger, and Phoebe's ownership of a van that she and Monica had planned to use for catering.) To be fair, I can't decide if this was actually too weird for Friends, or if it was a really good idea that I wish they had brought up again ever.

The big one is when, to get out of dating Janice, Chandler pretends to move to Yemen. (I do not like the Yemen plot.)

Lines!:

• Joey: "If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you."
• Phoebe: "It's been a really bad day, whore-wise."
• Monica encourages Chandler to talk to a pretty girl: "What's the worst that could happen?" Chandler: "I could die."
• Chandler: "Oh, man, I am so excited I may vomit!"
• Joey, after Monica fires him: "It's gonna be a lean Christmas at the Dragon house this year!"
• Chandler: "You don't want to be guys. You'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long."
• Phoebe: "Yeah, definitely I don't like the name Ross." Ross: "What a weird way to kick me when I'm down."
• Rachel: "Well, maybe there was a dog lookin' at him."
• Monica, to everyone in turn: "Fine, judge all you want to, but married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl's wooden leg in the fire, live in a box!"

And there are a ton just from "The One with the Dirty Girl":

• Rachel, on Ross's impossibly hot date: "Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek." Ross: "Fine by me, hope she wins!"
• Phoebe, on Chandler's thoughtful gift for Kathy: "What a great way to say 'I secretly love you, Roommate's Girlfriend!' "
• Phoebe: "You sound like Monican't, not Monican . . . ."
• Joey: "Man, it is so hard to shop for girls!" Chandler, seeing Joey's bag: "Yes it is, at Office Max."
• Rachel, on what Chandler should do about the gift: "Return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you just give her something worse than that, like . . . a regular pen."
  
• Ross, on the dirty girl's apartment: "You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that, except instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived."
  

Let's talk about Phoebe:
I'm actually not very excited to talk about Phoebe, but everybody gets a turn.

Why don't I like Phoebe very much? Like I said, I adore first-season Phoebe. But over the course of the series, she is the single most inconsistently-written character on the show. She starts out sweet and weird but slowly becomes mean and weird. For example, take this clip from Season One's "The One with George Stephanopolous" (from about 2:00 to about 2:13 in particular). Phoebe is shocked that she said something angry to a woman who couldn't hear her. Compare that with a clip I chose basically at random from Season Nine; the first 45 seconds of "The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner" shows typical late-series Phoebe who isn't ditzy, just callous and rude. It's true that all of the characters became one-dimensional and less likeable near the end of the show, but Phoebe is an extreme case.

It also doesn't help that at some point, Lisa Kudrow stopped caring about acting. During the first half of the series, you will occasionally be able to kind of tell that Kudrow is having a little bit of a hard time keeping a straight face after jokes. In later seasons, she doesn't even try to keep from smirking after she delivers a punchline.

Of course, there's a lot to like about Phoebe. Her wacky life story could always be milked for laughs ("I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague. . . . So much you don't know.") or not--I just love her speech in this clip starting at 6:40 about how lucky Ross's baby is for having three whole, loving parents. Phoebe is also a useful plot-mover in that new one-off characters are often friends of hers, since she's the only one who believably has a social life outside of what we see.

This is an important Phoebe season, mostly because of her pregnancy. Like I said before, I think the writers dealt with Kudrow's pregnancy extremely well. They didn't pretend that she wasn't pregnant (which is always obvious) and they didn't write in a baby for her (which wouldn't have jived well with her character or with the show itself at that point). Most importantly, the way they did use it, by having her be a surrogate for her brother, was totally in character for Phoebe. It's a weird thing to do, to have your brother's babies, but Phoebe is generous, deeply appreciative of the family she has because of all the family she doesn't have, and above all, weird.

Top six episodes:
"The One with the Jellyfish"
or: "The One with Phoebe's Birth Mom" or: "The One with Rachel's letter"

"The One with Joey's New Girlfriend"
or: "The One with Phoebe's Cold" or: "The One with Ross's Non-Girlfriend" or: "The One with Rachel's Young Boyfriend"

"The One with the Dirty Girl"
or: "The One with the Velveteen Rabbit" or: "The One Where Monica and Phoebe Become Catering Partners" or: "The One where Rachel Does the Crossword" (It gets demerits for the crossword plot, but you remember that list of hilarious lines, right?)

"The One with Chandler in a Box"
or: "The One Where Monica Dates Richard's Son" or: "The One with Secret Santa"

"The One with Ross's Wedding"
or: "The One with All the Hilarious English People"

including the total classic:
"The One with the Embryos"
or: "The One with the Game" Awesome!
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