Indiana Jones and the Sparkling MacGuffin

The gentleman caller escorted me to Indiana Jones: Episode IV last night. Luckily, my expectations were low, so I thought it was . . . ok. (If I had expected it to be good, I would have been disappointed. This is why low expectations are so great!) Now, " . . . ok" (which is a couple of steps below plain "ok") is its average score.

The beginning was just barely not-terrible. Barely. It was clunky and dumb and the effects weren't that good and the acting was ridiculous. Also, Cate Blanchett's character is pretty stupid, and that takes some getting used to. And so does her accent--she's supposed to be Russian, but during those first few scenes I thought, maybe she's supposed to be a Russian who's trying to sound English? Or something? I came close to laughter that the movie did not intend quite a few times.

Also, I realize it's an Indiana Jones movie, so I need to suspend me some disbelief. But seriously, Indy should have died a good five times over. In the first fifteen minutes. (If you think I'm being a stickler and you haven't seen the movie yet, watch it and then tell me I'm wrong.)

After the first handful of scenes, it does get better. I started to feel like everything just might turn out all right once Janitor showed up as an FBI agent. (My gentleman caller and I have been watching far more Scrubs than is healthy for the human mind, so we were both pretty psyched about that cameo. And then Mr. Meade showed up, too! That scene was good times.)

The movie didn't really pick up though until about the time Shia LaBeouf showed up. I assure you: this is a coincidence. I'm not saying Shia is bad in this movie. There was no point at which I wanted his character to be impaled by a spike or anything! But . . . it's not that Shia LaBeouf is a charisma-free zone. It's just that charisma is a little thin on the ground there. This isn't all his fault; the character isn't written to be interesting. He really only has one consistent character trait (SPOILER: it's combing his hair).

The middle of the movie, the bulk of it, is pretty good. It's not great cinema, of course, but it's entertaining. Why, there are points when it even approaches rollicking. It was, for the most part, very enjoyable. Except for one of the stupidest scenes I've witnessed in a major motion picture outside Zoolander. Oh man, you guys. It's so stupid. In fact, I'll describe it at the bottom of this post with a spoiler tag in front of it, for those of you who are curious.

The ending, unfortunately, is not so good. It's not as badly done as the first part; it's just pointless. I don't think it's a spoiler to tell you that there's massive destruction at the end of this movie, because it's an Indiana Jones movie. But in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade (I've never seen even little bits of the second one, I have to admit), there's a concrete reason that makes sense within the story why the destruction takes place. With this one, not so much. The underlying problem is that the over-arching quest of the movie just isn't very well thought-out. Or cool.

For that reason above all others, it just felt like the script should have gone through another draft. It could have and should have been more cohesive and had fewer plot holes. Again, I realize Indiana Jones isn't supposed to be high art, but the plot holes! They gape.

In conclusion, don't feel bad about waiting until the DVD for this one. As I mentioned, the special effects aren't quite up to the 2008 standard, so you won't be missing out by settling for the small screen. And if you do go see it at the theater, remember my magic ingredient: low expectations.

*SPOILER

So, there's a chase through a jungle, naturally. Shia somehow gets thrown up in the trees and entangled in some vines and what does he see there? Why, it's a monkey. And not just any monkey, but a monkey with Shia's stupid greaser hairdo. (No, really.) Then Shia starts swinging from vine to vine (more lame special effects) a la cartoon Tarzan. And he is accompanied by dozens upon dozens of greaser monkeys. I hope this sounds as lame as it was on the screen.