Netflix is sending me the wrong show.
I went out of the way to put one set of TV on DVD at the very top of my queue, because I just sent in the first disc of it, and now I'm really addicted to it--I even changed over to the two-discs-at-a-time plan (which I'd been thinking about doing, but this show really pushed it over the top). But, for no discernable reason, they're sending me two discs from a different series instead! Man, I can't believe that instead of (the fancy Showtime historical drama) The Tudors, they're sending me (incredibly trashy VH1 reality show) Rock of Love.
No wait, I put that wrong. Instead of Rock of Love, they're sending me The Tudors. And I am severely bummed about it.
I mean, The Tudors is in my queue, and I recently watched the first disc of it, but I'm pretty on the fence about it. I was even debating taking it off of the list, whereas with Rock of Love, I received, watched, and sent back the first disc in a 24-hour period to expedite getting more Rock of Love. It's . . . it's awesome, you guys. It's like if The Bachelor was sleazier and trashy and much, much, much drunker. It's one of those rare things that actually does manage to be so bad, it's good. Except I'd go so far as to say that it's SO TERRIBLE that's it's TOTALLY FANTASTIC.
Here's the bright side, though: really, when you look at it, The Tudors and Rock of Love are not that different.
I mean, look at the basics. Rock of Love is about a whole bunch of women--who have to co-exist in the same tricked-out LA pad--all competing for the attention and love of one man, Bret Michaels of Poison. The Tudors is about a whole bunch of women--who have to co-exist at court--all competing for the attention and love of one man, Henry VIII of England. In both cases, the dudes are totally not worth it. Bret Michaels is a washed-up 80's hair band frontman who is way too into the physical side of relationships for his own good, but is underneath everything kind of a good guy. Henry VIII is the narcissistic ruler of a second-rate European power who is way too into the physcial side of relationships for his own good. He's also just a really horrible person. The winner here is, clearly, Rock of Love, because it's hard to get involved when your main character is in all ways unlikeable.
The two leading men also have some glaring physical flaws. In Bret's case, it's his "flowing" "locks" that are now, cleary, a wig. Poor guy just can't let the long blonde hair go with dignity. In the case of Henry VIII as played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, it's that he's a teeny tiny itty bitty shrimpy little squirt of a man. I try not to nitpick historical fiction too bad, because it's like complaining that a movie based on a book isn't like the book. Of course it's not, it can't be. And drama about history can't be exactly like history, because it just wouldn't fit. So anyway, I'm willing to overlook things. For instance, in the show, Henry's sister Margaret has to go marry the very old and gross King of Portugal. In real life, it was Henry's sister Mary who had to go marry the very old and gross King of France (his sister Margaret was already married to the King of Scotland). I'm ok with this. See, in the show, they've already shown a King of France, and he's young. Also, Henry's daughter is named Mary, so they probably just didn't want to clutter the thing up with Marys (although, seriously, people back then had, like, eight different names to choose from. They're going to run into this problem eventually).
But the thing is: Henry VIII was a big man. Even before he was fat in his old age, he was a big, tall, athletic man, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers is definitively NOT. He's not just kinda small; he's invariably the smallest man in every scene. Even some of the chicks are bigger than him (maybe that's his secret reason for not being in love with his first wife anymore). (This also happens to Bret Michaels, by the way--there's a Polish lady who's probably 6'2". Yow.) Also, it's not just a physical thing, it affects the character. It's like he's Henry VIII by way of Napoleon Bonaparte. He ends up wresting with the King of France at one point ( . . . really.) and of course totally loses, because he's a teeny tiny itty bitty shrimp of a man. And then he throws this fit in which he throws all his furniture against walls and stuff. If he was a big, athletic Henry VIII, that would be kind of intimidating, but since he's Napoleon Tudor, it's really just kind of sad.
Where was I?
Oh, right. Bret Michael's hair is better than Jonathan Rhys Meyer's height, because Bret almost always wears a bandanna and/or a cowboy hat. This . . . may be a problem in and of itself, I realize. But still.
Then, of course, there are the ladies. OK, "ladies." Well, except on The Tudors, some of them really are Ladies. But both shows have an assortment of women: there are the heartless schemers, like Lacy and Anne Boleyn; there are the comparatively innocent ones who are uncomfortable with the man's philandering ways, like Sam and Lady Elizabeth Blount; and there are the very serious older ones, who are very sincere in their affections and take motherhood very seriously, like Rodeo and Catherine of Aragon. (Man, if I had a nickel for every time a comparison was drawn between Rodeo and Catherine of Aragon . . . there would be one nickel extant in the entire universe.) Just a few seconds into this video is one of my favorite of the many sincere/slightly crazy Rodeo interviews [caution: Rock of Love has adult language and sexual content. So does The Tudors, come to think of it. The difference is that there's more of it on Rock of Love, but since The Tudors is on premium cable, none of its swears or nipples are bleeped or pixelated]
video.vh1.com
Again, though, I've got to give the edge to Rock of Love. Those women, though on the whole mind-bogglingly trashy and mean, are just so fun! When Henry let Mary Boleyn go as a mistress, did she shoot the double deuce to him and the rest of the court? No.
So, as I've been saying,
is better than
but I know that, somehow, I'll make it through until Netflix sends me the one I really want.
