Princes: the Prizes and the Putzes

I decided to rank the dudes the Disney Princesses end up with because . . . I like ranking things. (Also: I decided to leave John Smith off the list because he and Pocahontas don't end up together. I could have included John Rolfe, whom Pocahontas married in real life and who appears in the direct-to-DVD Pocahontas sequel, but direct-to-DVD movies don't count. In any way, for anything.)

Eighth place:
Prince Charming #2 (Cinderella)
As I have noted before, this guy is entirely devoid of personality. And if does have any character trait at all, it's laziness. He apparently doesn't do anything besides hunting, he resents having to stay up late to meet the ladies his dad rounded up for him, and then when he finds Cindy's glass slipper (which he wouldn't have had to rely on if he'd run fast enough to catch up to a woman in full evening wear) he doesn't even go out and do the shoe try-ons himself! What a schmuck.


Seventh place:
Prince Ex-Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
Is there any bigger letdown than when Belle's love finally breaks the spell, and the Beast gets all levitate-y and shoots like, lasers out of his appendages and then . . . he's some be-pony-tailed wimp? The think the crux of the problem is Robbie Benson's voice. You get used to the electronically-deepened tough voice of the Beast (which goes along with the Beast's dominating presence and physical power). The wimpy little voice accentuates that most of the other stuff that made the Beast cool is just gone. Plus there's all the buildup. You wait the whole movie for him to turn into some cool prince and then you get that guy.

Sigh.

Even when I was eight, I thought that guy was a bummer.


Sixth place:
Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty)
Well, he's got a personality and I guess fights a dragon and whatnot, but when he first meets Sleeping Beauty/Aurora/Briar Rose/Whatever, she keeps trying to move away from him because hey, he's a stranger and she's all alone and undefended, while he keeps grabbing her by the wrists, pulling her back toward him. And I find that offensive. And creepy. Also, it's a terrible movie.


Fifth place:
Prince Charming #1 (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
We don't see much of this guy, but he seems pretty nice. Should maybe go a little easier on the lipstick, though.


Fourth place:
Prince Naveen (The Princess and the Frog)
As I mentioned, Naveen is (surprisingly) pretty funny. He'd also be pretty fun to have around--that guy is a party unto himself (until Tiana marries him and turns him into a hard-working busboy. Wait, why did he marry her?). He also has the capacity to be brave and self-sacrificing. That being said, he's kind of a moron. And by "kind of a moron," I mean that he's a moron. A dummy. He's not the sharpest crayon in the box. There's nothing in his head but hair. (Wait, why did she marry him?) He'd have placed lower but . . . he's pretty good-lookin'.


Third place:
Li Shang (Mulan, also, not a prince, but what are you gonna do?)
This guy has the whole tough/vulnerable contradiction going on, and that's pretty attractive. To wit: he's all strong and fit and hard-nosed and implacable in battle, but also he's eager to live up to his beloved father's expectations and, when he realizes he loves Mulan, gets all shy and awkward about telling her. Awwww.


Second place:
Aladdin (Aladdin)
Aladdin has an unfair advantage because the movie is about him, not Jasmine. Since we know him so well, we get what he's going through, where he's coming from, etc. Sure, he's technically a criminal and he carries on an elaborate long-term lie about being a prince, but he has a heart of gold! And he's a diamond in the rough! He only lies because of a powerful cocktail of love and insecurity! After all, he's clever and funny and caring, and Jasmine (as she knows from meeting a lot of uppity morons) could do a lot worse.


First place:
Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
Yep, this guy practically has it all. Clean-cut, yet roguishly handsome; high-born, yet most comfortable with working-class people. Dances a mean hornpipe; is a dog-lover if you're into that sort of thing. The worst thing you can say about him is that he gets confused about who he's in love with from time to time, but be fair--that one time he had just had a near-death experience. And that other time there was magic. In conclusion, he murders the villain with a boat. With a boat! That's pretty awesome.