Twilight: A Primer

Twilight is the first book in a series about teenagers, vampires, and teenage vampires. It is one of the most popular books of the current millennium and is written at roughly the level of a poorly-edited Sweet Valley High volume. Its author, Stephenie Meyer, seems likely to have produced it in one draft.

The book's protagonist and narrator, Bella, is a perpetually whiny teenage girl who hates herself, her parents, and her friends. Readers are expected to identify with her on every level.

Bella's love interest is the vampire Edward; he is humorless, controlling, manipulative, condescending, over-protective, materialistic, pessimistic, and snide. Readers are expected to realize that he is The Perfect Man.

Edward belongs to a "family" of vampires, two of whom pose as adults and four others that, like Edward, pretend to be teenagers. (Apparently, vampires in Twilight think it is a good use of their immortality to attend high school over and over.) Edward's father, Carlisle, is a doctor; his wife is Esme. Edward's sister Rosalie is remarkable for being very attractive even though all vampires are very attractive, while her husband-brother Emmett is remarkable for being very strong even though all vampires are very strong. Brother Jasper can influence other people's emotions, which Stephenie Meyer forgets during and after the second book in the series. He is paired off with Alice. She can see the future, with the accuracy of her visions varying by current plot convenience. Edward also has a special ability in that he can read minds, except for Bella's. This causes Edward to think Bella is unpredictable, even though she is not.

The book begins when Bella moves to Forks, Washington, a place that she hates. Forks is rainy and cloudy, and Bella hates rain and clouds. Approximately 30% of Twilight is Bella complaining about the weather. Bella moves in with her father, Charlie, whom she refers to by his first name because she does not respect him. (Bella used to live with her mother, Renee, whom she thinks is stupid.) Charlie's character traits are not saying much and watching sports. (He is also the local police chief, which does not matter to the story.)

Bella whines before her first day of school how none of the other kids will like her. On her first day of school, all the other kids love her for reasons that are never explained. Bella whines about this, and treats everyone who tries to talk to her with scorn. The one exception to the rule that everyone loves Bella is Edward Cullen, who looks at her like he hates her and then does not come back to school for a week. Bella is sad and whines about this, because she misses the one person in the entire school who was rude to her. When Edward returns, he is inexplicably nice to her, which she whines about.

One day, Bella is almost killed by a van, but Edward demonstrates inhuman speed and strength to save her life. Since she was nearly killed by a van, she is put into a neck brace and taken to the hospital. Her primary concerns at this time are, in order of her priorities: 1) her embarrassment about being seen in a neck brace 2) her jealousy that Edward is not put in a neck brace 3) her annoyance that the boy who was driving the van keeps apologizing to her and 4) trying to figure out how Edward has inhuman speed and strength. Edward refuses to tell her how he has inhuman speed and strength.

After two chapters of nothing happening, Bella takes a trip to the beach with the friends she does not like. There she meets Jacob Black, a boy about her own age who is actually pleasant. The existence of Jacob proves that Stephenie Meyer can in fact write a character who is likable, but raises the question of why she so rarely exercises that ability. After Jacob hints that he knows something about the Cullen family, Bella strategically manipulates him to get him to tell her what it is. Jacob then tells of her of his tribe's legends about as-yet-unnamed, blood-drinking, supernatural creatures, which the Cullens are the said to be. Later, Bella uses "her favorite search engine" to Google vampires.

Bella takes a trip with girls she does not like but calls her friends anyway to a nearby town to shop. Bella eventually goes somewhere on her own and, because she is a girl, and therefore has no sense of direction, she gets lost. She is set upon by some rapists or something, but just in the nick of time, Edward saves her. It turns out that he knew where she was because he had been stalking her. Bella is fine with that. By the end of the evening, Bella and Edward have discussed how Edward is a mind-reading vampire who instinctively wants to kill Bella and drain her blood. Bella is fine with that. Also, Edward and Bella are now in love for some reason.

Now that they are in true love, Edward takes Bella to a beautiful meadow, where Bella tells us again, some more, about how beautiful Edward is. They talk and talk about their love and stare at each other. This is also when we find out that when Twilight vampires are exposed to sunlight, it does not hurt them. They merely sparkle as if covered with diamonds. True story.

Edward rips up some trees and runs around to demonstrate how dangerous he is. He tells Bella how much he loves the way she smells and how he is downright addicted to her stank. He tells her she's an idiot for wanting to be with him. ("You're an idiot" is a real quote. Page 274.) Bella describes how Edward sparkles and how kissing him is like kissing a cold, hard statue. This is all meant to be sexy.

It turns out that Edward has been breaking into Bella's bedroom for months in order to watch her sleep. Bella is only upset about this because she thinks she may have said something embarrassing while sleeping. Once she finds out, Bella lets Edward stay over every single night. This is not hard to hide from Charlie because Edward and Bella are much cleverer than him.

Bella meets Edward's family. Because they are better than normal people, the Cullens are very rich. Edward's parents are stoked to meet Bella, because no one can be happy until and unless they are paired off with a person of the opposite sex. After we learn about how Carlisle became a vampire and that Edward has many CDs, it is time for Vampire Baseball.

Vampire Baseball can only be played during thunderstorms because the sound of a super-strong vampire hitting a ball with a bat is so loud. Vampires pitch and hit the ball so hard that Bella can't even see it, but even though the ball travels so far after being hit, there aren't many home runs because vampire outfielders are so fast. Vampire Baseball is so stupid.

After Vampire Baseball, on page 372, the plot finally shows up. Some evil vampires show up, and one of them decides he wants to kill Bella for some reason. It is decided that Bella should leave town, but first she needs to "pretend" to be incredibly cruel to Charlie so she doesn't have to tell him the real reason she's leaving. She then goes with Alice and Jasper to Phoenix.

Twilight somehow becomes more boring at this point, with pages and pages describing Bella hanging out in a hotel room being bored and sad. (She is not sad because someone is trying to kill her, but because Edward isn't there.) The evil vampire lures Bella away from her protectors by telling her he has her mother and must come alone to a ballet studio. Once Bella gets there, the evil vampire reveals that he does not have her mother. He also reveals his entire backstory, thought process, and evil plan in an endless monologue. A climactic fight finally occurs when Edward et al. track them to the ballet studio, but we the readers do not get to see it because Bella has been knocked unconscious.

Bella wakes up in a hospital. Her family has been told that she's injured not because of Vampire Violence, but because--wait for it!--she fell down the stairs. Imaginative! (People believe this because Bella is very clumsy. I know I haven't mentioned that yet but don't worry; if you read the book Stephenie Meyer will remind you of it on every other page.)

In the end, Bella goes back to Forks, and Edward tricks her into going to prom. As she does with parties, presents, all forms of attention, and joy, Bella hates prom. Bella tells Edward she wants to become a vampire, and as Edward does with all of Bella's hope and initiates, he says no. After almost 500 pages, the book mercifully ends.

The bad news is that there are three more to go.

For more information on Twilight, please consult these sources:
Reasoning with Vampires: Dana is grammatically editing the Twilight books with grim determination, just like someone should have before allowing them to be published.

Mark Reads: Mark provides a chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the heartbreaking insanity that is the Twilight saga. I irrevocably and unconditionally love Mark.

LDS Sparkledammerung!: This is a very hilarious Twilight summary/explanation of Twilight's semi-hidden Mormon propaganda. Helpful Bjork-as-Alice jpegs!

Cleolinda's Thoughts On Twilight: Cleolinda is of the "Twilight is stupid but I still loved it!" school of thought which I respect if disagree with.

The Cracked Guide to Twilight: A good primer for all four books.

Finally, there's Alex Reads Twilight. Have you ever wanted to hear a cheeky English boy tell you all about Twilight as he reads it? Of course you have. Click here to read more . . .

Harry Potter Thoughts: Order of the Phoenix

I maintain that Goblet of Fire is my favorite of the Harry Potter books, but Order of the Phoenix is also way up there. Yes, it's angsty, but it's also very, very funny. It's our introduction to Luna Lovegood, so how could it not be?

I love Luna.

Thoughts:
1) Speaking of Luna, I think the choice of Evanna Lynch is probably the second-best casting decision in the entire Harry Potter film series. The casting overall is very good--how lucky were they that Daniel Radcliffe turned out to be so talented?--so that's high praise. I say it's second because Robbie Coltrane is so perfect as Hagrid. I have my own mental version of most of the characters when I read the books, but book Hagrid and movie Hagrid are identical to me.

2) I love how Harry's escape from Privet Drive in this book is mirrored in the final book. The key to it is how everybody mocks Moody this time for being overcautious and acting like somebody might die, whereas in the last book, well, you know.

3) It must be said--all of Dumbledore's decisions vis a vis prefects are stupid. Except for making Hermione one. Why would he make power-mad weasel Draco Malfoy a prefect? Why would he do that? Why would he make Ron a prefect? Ron shows us over and over again that he's not willing to stand up to his house's biggest troublemakers, his brothers, and why would Dumbledore expect him to? I have a higher opinion of Ron's testicular fortitude than most, but I still think making him a prefect was dumb. Most of all, why would Dumbledore wish he could have made Harry a prefect? And would Harry expect to become one? He breaks rules all the time! And not just to fight Dumbledore or whatever--he breaks rules to chill out in Hogsmeade or hang out at Hagrid's hut all the time. There's no higher purpose there; it's just for fun. Seriously, why didn't Dumbledore chose Dean? Dean was clearly the way to go there.

I can't argue with the choice of Hermione, though. I guess that was an OK decision.

4) I don't particularly care for Ginny (J.K. quite often fell into the trap of "telling" instead of "showing" us why Ginny's supposed to be great), but I give her this: she's good to Neville.

5) Everyone but Harry and Ron are right: Hagrid is an awful teacher. Just execrable. Why did Dumbledore hire him for that?

I like Professor Grubbly-Plank. Also, she and Professor Sprout would probably make a pretty cute couple. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

6) The part where Harry has a conversation with Ron and Hermione about just having kissed Cho is pretty much my favorite scene in the entire series. Again: this book is funny. ("Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," has, at multiple times in the past, caused me to laugh and laugh and laugh.)

7) OK, fellow Potter Hindsight Detectives, take-a look-a this passage from page 470 (just after Harry tells Dumbledore that he's had a vision of a giant snake attacking Mr. Weasley): "Dumbledore now swooped down upon one of the fragile silver instruments whose function Harry had never known, carried it over to his desk, sat down facing [Harry and Professor McGonagall] again, and tapped it gently with the tip of his wand.
"The instrument tinkled into life at once with rhythmic clinking noises. Tiny puffs of pale green smoke issued from the minuscule silver tube at the top. Dumbledore watched the smoke closely, his brow furrowed, and after a few seconds, the tiny puffs became a steady stream of smoke that thickened and coiled in the air. . . . A serpent's head grew out of the end of it, opening its mouth wide. . . .
" 'Naturally, naturally,' murmured Dumbledore apparently to himself, still observing the stream of smoke without the slightest sign of surprise. 'But in essence divided?'
"Harry could make neither head nor tail of this question. The smoke serpent, however, split itself instantly into two snakes, both coiling and undulating in the dark air. With a look of grim satisfaction Dumbledore gave the instrument another gentle tap with his wand: The clinking noise slowed and died, and the smoke serpents grew faint, became a formless haze, and vanished."

So . . . what was that thing? Do we ever find out? Does it tell use anything we didn't already know by this point in the narrative (that Harry's seeing into Voldemort's mind, duh)? What's "in essence divided?" Is that a Horcrux hint? Why does Dumbledore need a snake-vision-confirmation machine?

8) When Mrs. Weasley comes home from the hospital after Mr. Weasley passes the crisis point, she says that Bill is with his father now, having taken "the morning off work." The morning? Your dad gets 85% killed by an enormous evil mind-meld horcrux snake and you don't use up a whole sick day?! C'mon, Bill!

9) I like the hints J. K. drops (which you might miss the first time around) that Kreacher has left Sirius's house for a while. That's how you foreshadow without just giving away the plot in advance, Stephenie Meyer.

10) Hermione skips skiing with her parents over Christmas to hang out with Harry and the Weasleys at Grimauld Place. This continues the books' minor theme that Hermione really, really could not care less about her parents.

11) One of my favorite illustrations of the wizard/Muggle divide is when Mr. Weasley hesitantly tells his wife that he's been experimenting with Muggle remedies for his snake bite wounds: "Well . . . well, I don't know whether you know what--what stitches are?"
"It sounds as though you've been trying to sew your skin back together," said Mrs. Weasley with a snort of mirthless laughter, "but even you, Arthur, wouldn't be that stupid--"
And then Harry hightails it out of there in anticipation of a major Mrs. Weasley conniption.

12) Does Dumbledore ever do anything more awesome than when escapes his office out from the Minister of Magic's nose? ("Well--it's just that you seem to be laboring under the delusion that I am going to--what is the phrase? 'Come quietly.' I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.") I submit that he does not.

13) Harry's dad, as we learn from Snape's worst memory, was a horrible human being as a teenager. Is that what Harry would have been like if his parents had lived, and he'd been a regular, rich, talented kid instead of a poor grubby orphan? . . . Maybe his mom's influence would have prevented it.

14) This book also contains Hagrid's most awesome moment: when, Hulk-like, he beats down a half-dozen Aurors. Go Hagrid.

15) Unfortunately, this book also contains the stupid Hagrid development, Grawp. The worst thing about Grawp is not that Hagrid is stupid for trying to keep his giant brother in the woods like some particularly horrible pet, but (as Neal as pointed out to me) that Grawp has no bearing on any plot developments in the future. What was the point of Grawp, J. K.? What was the point?

16) When Dumbledore finally spills the beans about the prophecy that foretold that Harry would have to kill Voldemort or vice versa, Harry asks what power he could have that could enable him to beat Voldemort. As we know, the answer is love. (No, really.) The weird part is that Dumbledore introduces this answer by saying "There is a room n the Department of Mysteries . . . that is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than forces of nature. It is also, perhaps, the most mysterious of the many subjects for study that reside there."

Really? I mean, I believe love is powerful and all, but . . . there's a room? Of love? The Love Room? I assume they don't call it that, as it would probably give people the wrong impression, but still.

17) Finally, here are some more quotes that I think are funny:

"How do you remember stuff like that?" asked Ron, looking at her in admiration.
"I listen, Ron," said Hermione with a touch of asperity.

[Re: Ernie Macmillan, the pompous Hufflepuff kid (a minor character I enjoy more upon each re-reading)] He looked around impressively, as though waiting for people to cry, "Surely not!"

"Dangerous?" said Hagrid, looking genially bemused. "Don' be silly, I wouldn' give hey anythin' dangerous! I mean, all righ', they can look after themselves--"

[Hermione thanks the boys for her Christmas presents:] "Thanks for the book, Harry!" she said happily. "I've been wanting that New Theory of Numerology for ages! And that perfume is really unusual, Ron."
"No problem," said Ron. Click here to read more . . .

Harry Potter Thoughts: Goblet of Fire

I'm frustrated with myself because I know a lot of things occurred to me as I re-read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but then I forgot them. I'll try to take notes when I read the final three books.

Anyway.

This has always been my favorite book of the series. It never fails to impress me how from the time Harry enters the maze at the final of the Triwizard Cup until Dumbledore finishes interrogating Barty Crouch, jr., it's edge-of-your-seat, can't-put-it-down reading. It doesn't let up. It's awesome.

It doesn't hurt that this is the book where we finally start getting some Ron-Hermione tension of the romantic variety. I love Ron + Hermione.

More thoughts:

1. Fake Moody's plan is so needlessly elaborate. He gained Harry's trust pretty early on and, since Dumbledore wasn't suspicious of him, could have just lured Harry away from Hogwarts and disapparated with him or whatever. Heck, he could have gotten Harry onto a bus to Little Hangleton with some vague promise of investigation or adventure or whatever. Harry's easy.

2. Neal wanted me to point out that this is the book where Hermione's character starts to get morally comprised. Um, Hermione, sweetie? It's not OK to imprison a human woman (disguised as a beetle or not) in a little glass jar for a week or two because she annoyed you or whatever. There's also the blackmail aspect to be concerned about, but the imprisonment thing is worrisome enough.

3. Harry and the other champions have to compete in three events, each of which probably take less than two hours. So they get out of final exams and the entire Quidditch season gets cancelled because . . . ? I mean, other than getting J. K. out of writing Quidditch matches, of course.

4. While I'm on the subject of Quidditch, I might as well address the subject of Quidditch. It's one of the real weaknesses of the entire series. Rowling admitted in interviews that she doesn't really know much about sports and that the matches were chores for her to write. The former point is not surprising--Quidditch is a pretty terrible sport.

People on flying broomsticks throwing balls through very high hoops? That's great. That's a great sport for wizards to play. Adding a second kind of ball that zooms around trying to knock players off their brooms? Also great! It's funny, very much in keeping with the little absurdities of Rowling's wizarding universe. But the snitch, you guys. The snitch.

The fact that catching the snitch both ends the game and earns the catching team 150 points (when each goal is only worth 10) pretty much ruins the whole thing. Yes, in Goblet of Fire, we see a team lose despite getting the snitch. I know. That is, however, the only time we see that happen, and you would think it would indeed be pretty rare. It's just too much.

The snitch is, of course, a device that allows Harry to be an indisputable, individual hero even in a team game. Quidditch works great as a plot device, but as a sport, it's awful.

Also, if it's such a big deal, why does Hogwarts only hold six games a year (when the tournament isn't canceled, of course)? And if there are only four teams at what seems to be the only wizarding school in the British Isles, how can the British Isles also support at least one professional Quidditch league? Wouldn't it be easier to make it onto a professional squad than a Hogwarts house team?

Those problems all pale beside the snitch, though.

5. Back to the Triwizard Tournament--it sounds like a really terrible spectator event. The dragon-fighting contest would be pretty cool to watch, obviously, but the others? In the second task, the crowd had to just sit there for over an hour waiting for the champions to emerge from the lake. In defense of Muggles--we would have set up some dang underwater video cameras so we didn't have to rely on Merperson testimony to find out what happened down there. The third task would have been pretty cool to watch if the crowd were high enough to see everything that happened in the maze, but they weren't. Again, J. K. Rowling: not great with the sports.

6. Honest question: how are supposed to feel about house elves? Hermione makes what seem to be extremely good points about how they're slave labor since, after all, they're slave labor. However, her crusade is played for laughs, and none of the other characters agree with her. Ron and his brothers are from a pretty relaxed and groovy wizard family, but they see no problem with how house elves are treated. All the house elves we meet besides Dobby are A-OK with doing unpaid, unquestioning labor, and even Dobby would rather be paid a pittance than a fair wage. Dumbledore, for agreeing to pay Dobby, seems the closest to Hermione's point of view. Even then, it seems like he's being indulgent, not any kind of activist.


Maybe it's just as well that I didn't take notes, since this was plenty long as is.

It'll be just a bit until I start Order of the Pheonix, I think, because I'm halfway through the Twilight "saga." Speaking of, should I share my thoughts on that? I'd kind of like to, but there are already lots of places on the internet where you can read criticism of Twilight. Click here to read more . . .

My Hair is Out of Control

I've been saying this for months, but I have got to get a haircut.

I like having long hair, but "elbow-length" is pushing it.

I mentioned this on Twitter, but I weirded out a baby (she's about a year and half old) with my hair last month. She was playing with my ponytail, so I was like, here--let me take it down so you can see it all--and she just stared at me. Like, "Dude, I don't even know what I'm seeing right now . . . What is happening?" kind of stare. (On the other hand, though, my niece Eliza had a pretty good time using my hair for braiding practice.)

Places I could fit in right now:

Woodstock
Amish Country
The Garden of Eden
The Addams' family mansion:

Click here to read more . . .

Neal's Epic-ly Spoilerific and Spoilerific-ly Epic Deathly Hallows Review

Grade: B (I think Rachel would rate it higher, but I'll let her explain that later)
So, this afternoon, Rachel and I got to take in the latest installment of the Harry Potter film franchise. I went in concerned, with my expectations fairly low. I had read some decidedly mixed reviews.

(Click above on the title of this post to continue my spoiler-filled review.)


The reviews I saw tended to offer the following criticisms:

-Holy crap, that was a lot of camping

-Kind of boring, also, did anyone notice all the camping?!

-The young actors couldn't hold their own. Also, you know, the camping thing.

Having now seen the film, I don't think any of these criticisms are particularly fair. For one, there is a lot of camping in the first 2/3 of Deathly Hallows, completely unavoidable for the filmmakers, at least to a certain degree. Secondly, I think all the young actors did fairly well, but more on that below.

As for the plot, anyone geeky enough to start reading a Harry Potter film review on their friend's blog has probably read the book. The film is actually very faithful to the book.

After quick establishing shots of the Trio at their respective homes (including Hermione's), we get Voldemort's meeting with his Death Eaters, escape to the Burrow, wedding, escape from the wedding, Grimmauld Place, break-in to the Ministry, camping, camping, camping, fight, Ron leaves, sad camping, sad camping, sad camping, Godric's Hollow, snake attack, sad camping, Ron returns, Horcrux destruction, slightly-happier camping, Lovegoods', Deathly Hallows explanation, chase, capture, torture, escape, death . . .

As you can see from my overall grade, the film pulls most of this off quite well. Yes, even the camping. Here's my breakdown of what I liked, didn't like, and thought was just OK:

The Good:

Daniel Radcliffe: This isn't too surprising. I think Radcliffe is an all-around solid actor who has generally done a good job playing Harry. Here, he hits all the necessary emotional beats, without overplaying them. Seeing his parents' graves for the first time, Harry tears up and is clearly moved, choking out a glum "Merry Christmas, Hermione" while Hermione puts her arm around him. Radcliffe avoids the chance to create an Oscar clip by weeping and yelling "Noooooooo!!!" while falling to his knees. Well played, Radcliffe.

He's funny too. The scene where Radcliffe has to play six of Harry's own doppelgangers is very, very funny, and well-acted. You can actually tell who's who just based on Radcliffe's posture and facial expression.

Finally, it must be said that he has excellent on-screen chemistry with Emma Watson (more on that below), which works to the film's advantage during the admittedly long 'sad camping' phase after Ron's departure.

Emma Watson: OK, this is a surprise. For most of the previous six films, Emma Watson has gotten by on an often-terrible combination of one 'concerned' face, one 'scared' face, a 'sad face,' disconcertingly-rapid eyebrow movements, and more recently the fact that she's (at the age of 20) very, very pretty. Please understand that I mean this in the least-pervy way possible. Rachel and I had a whole conversation about this on the way home. In this film, the filmmakers really go out of their way to try to make the Trio look scruffy, tired, and worn out. The boys are both dirty and bestubbled for most of the proceedings. Hermione, on the other hand, looks all freckly and adorable no matter what. Don't underestimate the importance of this for her future career as an actress. Other pretty actresses have gotten by on less talent.

Here, though, Rachel and I both thought she did a good job. Like Radcliffe, she hits all the necessary emotional beats, from sobbing over a bleeding and unconscious Ron to screaming and writhing in agony as Bellatrix carves the word 'mudblood' into her arm (yes, this actually happens). Life Radcliffe, she has some nice, quietly-played moments where she avoids the temptation to overact. Well played, Watson.

Ministry Break-In: This is one of most compelling, and often funny, segments of the film. As I'm sure you know, the Trio have to disguise themselves as Ministry employees in order to break in and steal the the Slytherin locket Horcrux from Dolores Umbridge. The reason this series of scenes works so well is that the adult actors who play the disguised Trio all do a great job. Especially David O'Hara, who plays Harry and is without question the secret MVP of the movie. It's hard to explain unless you see it, but he's hilariously convincing as Harry/Radcliffe in disguise.

Harry-Hermione Slow Dance: When I first read in an early review of the movie that Harry cheers up a depressed Hermione (post-Ron departure) by slow dancing with her to a Nick Cave song, I assumed this was going to be Harry Potter's biggest "Hey! Is that the Fonz on water skis?!" moment since Grawp snatched up Hermione in Order of the Phoenix (Man, was that a stupid scene). And yet, it works. It really works. Radcliffe and Watson deserve all the credit in the world. They clearly have a very real, lived-in friendship that comes across nicely on screen. A surprisingly-touching little moment that could have easily seemed awkward and forced. Well-played, Radcliffe and Watson.

Destroying the Slytherin Locket Horcrux: I'm a little torn here, because this scene ultimately falls a little flat once the Horcrux is destroyed. It makes the 'good list' all the same because it's the source of one of the most incredibly-palpable moments of "is this actually happening!!!?? IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!!!????" tension I've ever experienced in a packed movie theater.

After Ron rescues Harry and retrieves the sword of Gryffindor from the frozen pond, Harry opens the locket using Parseltongue. At this point, an evil, scarier version of the smoke monster from Lost explodes out of the locket, sending Ron and Harry flying backwards in opposite directions. Horcrux-Voldemort's taunting of Ron culminates in the appearance of shiny, evil versions of Harry and Hermione who tell Ron that he's worthless, and then proceed to full-on make out . . . in the nude. How nude? This is a conversation from the car ride home:

Me: Am I taking crazy pills, or was there actually some side boob there?
Rachel: Oh, there was totally side boob!! IT WAS BANANAS!!

Again, I can't stress enough how fun it was to be in a packed theater of Harry Potter fans who were collectively losing their crap. Also, kudos to Radcliffe and Watson for really, really not holding back. Even if we all realize later that this scene was way overwrought (very possible), it was still an incredibly-enjoyable theater moment.

Deathly Hallows Animation: This was completely unexpected and very cool. When the Trio visit a clearly-depressed and distracted Xenophilius Lovegood for info on the strange symbol Hermione keeps coming across, he has Hermione read 'The Tale of the Three Brothers' from the book Dumbledore left her. Hermione's narration is accompanied by some really cool animation that explains the origins of the three Deathly Hallows. One of the nicest surprises of the film. Of course, everything goes downhill for the film after this scene (a full rant on that below).

Little Moments: The filmmakers do a great job of building in little moments to reward fans of the books. Harry does wake up in Grimmauld Place to find that Ron and Hermione fell asleep holding hands (and yes, Ron is on the floor). Ron and Harry speak appreciatively about the little portable fires Hermione is so good at making (a nice call back to the first book). We also get some great Fred and George stuff early in the film ("I'm holey, Fred"). The list could go on. Good job, filmmakers.

Honorable Mentions: Godric's Hollow snake fight, Hermione erasing her parents' memories of her.

The Just OK:

Rupert Grint: Yeah, I know, he's an easy target. The fact that he's a slightly odd-looking guy is not aided by the fact that he continues to sport one of the worst haircuts any actor has ever had. Grint has been blamed by many fans for the often extreme wimpification of Ron that occurred in many of the earlier films. While much of that comes down to the screenwriters and directors, it's still easy to dislike Grint for his love of goofy facial expressions and high-pitched whining.

And yet, by the halfway point of this film, my opinion of him had completely turned around. He's very good in the early stages of the film, especially in a scene where he confronts Harry in one of his inevitable "No one else is going to die for me!" moods. He's equally good at playing Ron's descent into paranoia and resentment under the influence of the Slytherin locket Horcrux. He, Radcliffe, and Watson are all great in the big argument scene.

Then, he returns, and while he does a passable job in the Horcrux destruction scene, things quickly go downhill from there (More on that below).

Ron-Hermione Reunion: So, once Ron and Harry have vanquished the smoke monster, they head back to camp to meet up with Hermione, but not before Ron quips, "just think, only three more to go!" Parenthetically, I was a little disappointed they cut the whole "Dude, seriously, she's like my sister, bro" conversation Harry and Ron have at that point in the book.

Meanwhile, back at the tent, Hermione awakes to find that Ron has returned to the Scooby Gang. After the requisite slapping and hitting of Ron, Hermione looks on coldly as Ron explains how he found his way back to Harry and Hermione.

*incredibly cheesy music begins to swell in the background*

Now, keep in mind, the movie had actually been pretty stellar up to this point (at least in my opinion), but now for the first time I thought "uh oh . . . "

Ron, accompanied by a painfully overwrought score, explains how he heard Hermione's voice on the radio, opened the Deluminator, a ball of light touched his heart, bla, bla, bla. None of this is really Grint's fault. He does a decent job with the speech, and it's straight out of the book, but the music kind of makes it all fall flat. Meh.

Dobby: Dobby of course makes his triumphant return in this film, and the filmmakers do a good job of working him into the story before the whole "And now, for some reason, Dobby is here!" rescue at Malfoy Manor. The CG animation looks good, and the voice actor does a fine job, but the film often deflates essential tension so that Dobby can have all his big moments. In the film, it's kind of Dobby's own fault he takes a knife to the chest. At the climax of the fight in Malfoy Manor, with Ron, Harry, a rescued Hermione, and the goblin all gathered together and ready to disapparate, Dobby inexplicably pauses to give his cheesy "Dobby is a free elf!!" speech. Many of the people in the theater loved this, meanwhile all I could think was: DISAPPARATE! YOU IDIOT!!!!

Dobby's death is handled well, with Radcliffe convincingly crying over what was (I assume) a rubber doll with golf balls for eyes. I don't know. I can only get so worked up over a CG muppet. Meh.

The Villains: I'm lumping all of these characters together, because the problems are more with the writing and directing than with the actors. Ralph Fiennes is terrific as Voldemort (and I actually didn't really like him that much in Goblet of Fire), but we don't get to see much of him after the big Death Eater sit-down that starts the film. Helena Bonham Carter does a good job as Bellatrix, especially during her creepy confrontation with Hermione, but she is horribly undermined by her wardrobe. I'm sorry, but a woman wearing a set of fake teeth and Elvira hair can only be so scary.

The main villains for much of the film are actually the 'Snatchers,' bandits who maraud the countryside looking for fugitives. Ultimately, they're kind of a dud as a group of villains. The main Snatcher is basically presented as a Hermione-sniffing pervert. Weird? Yes. Slightly unsettling? Maybe. Scary? Not really.

This is why The Lord of the Rings had Orcs.

Slightly Weird/Unintentionally Funny: Neither Ron nor Harry gives two farts about Hermione's parents. Despite frequent melancholy statements like, "I used to come here with Mum and Dad, of course, they wouldn't remember that now, or me . . . " Ron and Harry never inquire further or show the slightest interest in why she's so upset.

The Bad:

Chase and Capture: After their meeting with Xenophilius Lovegood goes south, the Trio have to quickly disapparate to avoid getting caught by Death Eaters. They reappear in some woods where they run right into a set of Snatchers, led by the Hermione-Sniffing Pervert.

"Snatch them!" he says. (audible groan)

And so, they run. But why though? Couldn't they grab hands and just disapparate again? Apparition might secretly be one of the biggest logic/continuity errors in the books. When I think about it, I'm not sure I really know all the rules. Anyway, maybe the Trio are just low on MP (appreciative chuckle from those of us who played video games in the early '90's), but they decide to run. There is some cool camera work here, but they of course are captured fairly easily, with Hermione disfiguring Harry so he won't be recognized.

It's not how easily they're captured that deflates all tension from this set of scenes, it's how easily they're held captive. Like Superman, it turns out that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have but one weakness as wizards who have undergone six years of magical training. So, what is Harry Potter's kryptonite?

Having his arms or shirt held lightly from behind . . . yeah, real heroic. After some Hermione sniffing, the Hermione-Sniffing Pervert recognizes Harry and decides that he's taking these fugitives straight to the Big Boss.

When next we see our indomitable heroes, they are being led glumly towards the front gates of Malfoy Manor (Voldemort HQ). Knowing that torture and death surely await them inside, what do our heroes do to attempt escape? Nothing. Are they tied up? No. Magically restrained or incapacitated in any way? No. You see, the Snatchers are lightly pushing them from behind. It would be impossible for them to turn around and try to punch out one of their captors, grab a wand, or disapparate. Wait, why can't they disapparate again? This rant's just getting started . . .

Malfoy Manor: The Trio are led (rather easily) into Malfoy Manor and presented to a gleeful Bellatrix and Lucius Malfoy (played brilliantly as a drunken has-been by Jason Isaacs). Once they dispense with the "Is it really him, Draco?" business, Bellatrix recognizes the sword of Gryffindor in the hands of one of the Snatchers, and flips out. She instructs one of her goons (maybe it's Wormtail, I'd have to see it again) to take Harry and Ron down to the cellar, announcing her intentions to question Hermione about the sword.

Now, in the book, aware that their friend is about to be brutally tortured, Ron and Harry have to be dragged kicking and screaming into to the cellar. In the movie, nope, their arms are being held from behind, so they're totally helpless. They allow themselves to be led rather meekly into their prison cell.

This is where the scene falls tragically flat. Give credit to Helena Bonham Carter and Emma Watson, who both at least realized this was the climax of the movie. Emma Watson very convincingly howls in agony as Bellatrix questions her about the sword.

In the book, Ron starts hysterically sobbing at the sound of Hermione's pain and physically hurls himself at the cellar door in a desperate attempt to escape. In the movie, Rupert Grint plays Ron as mildly concerned, at best. Movie Ron tugs lightly on the bars of the door and quickly concludes that they're locked in, so . . .

All the tension created by Hermione's torment is completely deflated by Harry and Ron's weirdly calm and frankly, kind of lame reaction in the cellar. Then of course Dobby shows up to save the day and lets them out.

We're then treated to a very short and perfunctory wand fight as Harry and Ron try to rescue Hermione. Once Dobby drops the chandelier on Bellatrix, Harry very easily takes the wands away from Draco (Seriously! It's the climactic fight of the movie, have the guys throw a few punches!), and they all disapparate.

Just a disappointing conclusion to a good film. In the book, even with Dobby's help, Ron and Harry have to scrape and claw their way out of the cellar (including a deadly confrontation with Wormtail, who is easily dispatched by Dobby here). In the movie, it all goes kind of easy once Dobby shows up. Meh.

Final Thoughts: Despite my epic rant about how disappointing and lame I found parts of the final twenty or so minutes, I overall really enjoyed the movie. David Yates is really good at directing quieter, character-driven moments, but he is not always as good at building and sustaining tension in action scenes. That makes me a little nervous about the finale, but we'll see.

If any of you was brave or crazy enough to read the whole thing, let me know what you thought about the movie or my review in the comments.
Click here to read more . . .

Harry Potter Thoughts

I decided that, in preparation for watching the new Harry Potter movie this Friday (we've got our tickets!), I should re-read all seven in order. (I meant to re-read the first six before the seventh one came out, but that didn't happen, so this will be the first time I've done the seven in a row.) I didn't budget quite enough time, so I won't be able to finish before the movie, but oh well. What I can do is share some observations I've been making about the beginning of the story now that I know how it all ends.

Here are some notions I've entertained, just having finished #3, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

1) J. K. didn't hide a ton of clues about the future in Book 1, but I enjoy the ones that are there. My favorite is Harry's creeping sensation that Snape can read minds.

2) Draco Malfoy may be the worst-written character in the series. (At least through the first three books.) He is unrelentingly horrible--just no redeeming characteristics at all--yet in no way a threat. He never bests Harry at anything, and besides being a little dumb, is a huge coward. It bothers me that Harry and his pals hardly ever have good comebacks for him, when he is nothing but comic relief. Example: Malfoy goes on and on and on and on about Harry fainting because of the dementors. But then he pulls a total drama queen when Buckbeak scratches him. How do Harry and Ron not kill him for that? He gave them so much material!

Let's contrast this with Snape: Snape is a mean, petty little man, but not only is he the secret hero in Book 1, he's also right a lot of the time. Yes, it's always wrong how he treats children (a grown man has no excuse to be that much of a bully to 11- and 12-year-olds), but he has a point when he talks about Harry being an inveterate rule-breaker and how Dumbledore unreasonably favors him.

3) The climax of the Prisoner of Azkaban movie is actually much better than the book's. Heresy, I know, but the structure is much tighter and more suspenseful in the film. In the book, there are only a few, fleeting high-pressure moments on Harry and Hermione when the go back in time; in the movie, the second run-through is (as I recall) more exciting the first. Good job, screenwriter and director.

4) I really, really love the scene where Harry first meets Ron. It's so cute. Plus, it highlights one of the most interesting aspects of the Ron-Harry friendship: how each one is jealous of what the other has. (Ron wishes he had Harry's fame and money; Harry wishes he had Ron's family and wizarding-world knowledge.)

5) I finally figured out how Harry could have gotten along with the Dursleys. I've always felt like there was something he could do to try to live more peaceably with them, because although it's mostly their fault, it's a little him, too. "Keep a civil tongue in your head" clearly wouldn't be enough, though, since they're so horrible. But! Harry has lots of wizard money, and the Dursleys like regular money. He should have just converted some of his cash into some Muggle cash and paid them to be nicer to him. Heck, he could just have paid off Dudley, because Vernon and Petunia don't really get set off unless Dudley (or an owl of some sort) is involved. All he'd need to do was set an amount they (or he) would earn at the end of the summer if they avoided verbally and physically abusing him and decrease the amount any time they (or he) crossed the line. Harry's second-biggest life problem: solved. Click here to read more . . .

One Book I Did Not Like

Ahoy there!

In my first effort to get back in the blogging saddle, I'm going to repeat something I already wrote on the internet. Baby steps!

I just finished this book called Lost States: True Stories of Texlahoma, Transylvania, and Other States That Never Made It. As you will be able to tell from my Goodreads review, it did not live up to my expectations:

I saw this book come through at my library, and I thought "What a great topic for a book!" And it is a great topic. It's too bad it was, in my opinion, really mishandled.

The book has quite a bit of breadth (74 "states" are covered), but no depth. Each "state" gets two pages, one of which is a full-page map. The facing page contains more pictures (which are often only tangentially related to the topic); lots of tepid, uncreative jokes; and a little information.

The maps range from interesting to out-and-out bad (one clearly has hand-drawn marker on it; one has Wyoming on the western border of Kansas--which is the reason I downgraded the book from two stars). I think there were . . . maybe four? historical facts that I learned from a 160-page book, but the history was, in places, just as bad as the maps (quote: "[George Washington] was the most popular and powerful man in the world." WILDLY FALSE. WILDLY.)

I don't know who this book is aimed at. It doesn't give enough background information to teach much to American history novices (it would have helped a little if the order of the "states" were chronological instead of alphabetical), and it's too superficial to teach anything to people who already have solid American history background.

In short, this is a book with the pace and tone of an Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, but without the depth or intelligence. Click here to read more . . .