Tournament of Tears

People who write and talk about football for a living all seem to agree--there are a lot of really bad teams in the NFL this year. Let's continue Bad Football Day here at Wisconsin Adventures by taking a gander at them.

Trying to keep Detroit company?
There are still three winless teams, and they've all looked bad enough that it just might be possible that they'll stay that way all season. Let's try to figure out who has the best shot!

Tennessee Titans: Hey, guys. What's going on? You were good last year, your team barely changed, and now you're doing things like losing by 59 points. Seriously. What are you doing? I think you'll win eventually, because sooner or later, you're going to remember that there's no reason for you to be awful.*

My favorite thing about you is the name of one of your cornerbacks, Corteland Finnegan. On the strength of his name alone, he is truly The Fanciest Lad in the NFL.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: You almost won today! Way to go. Unfortunately, your schedule is not congenial. You won't play any of the other teams appearing in this entry; it's really too bad you lost today and when you played the Redskins, because those were your best chances. Sorry, dudes. Maybe you'll surprise Green Bay week after next--my being a fan of them gives you a fair chance. Or maybe you'll get Carolina next time you play them! I hope so. I like you a little bit because you're pirates!

St. Louis Rams: Oh, you could have won today, too. Bless your hearts. You are so bad. Now that the Lions have won a game, you are clearly the worst team in football. A -115 point differential on the season! Oh goodness. On the bright side, of the three winless teams, you have the best schedule going forward: you get to play Detroit and your fellow flailers, the Titans. Um, but they are, as everyone is, better than you. I think you just might join the '08 Lions as an 0-16 team. Good luck!

One-win wonders
Detroit Lions: I'm very happy or you guys that you won a game this year. I'm happy for you that you've put up a good fight in all your games (except for today against the Packers. Thanks!) And I'm happy for you that you get a week off to prepare the Rams. In fact, since you also get to play Cleveland, you may get three or even four wins this year! Congratulations in advance.


Kansas City Chiefs: Hey, you snapped a losing streak by beating the same team as the Lions! (We're getting to youo later, Redskins.) You've proven that it's very difficult to go winless in the NFL, because if you can win, anybody (except, perhaps, the Rams) can.

On the other hand, I'm sorry, Matt Cassel. Too bad that Denver trade didn't work out, huh?

Back on the first, optimistic hand, at least you guys are in the same division as the Raiders (see below)! That's a glimmer of hope!

Cleveland Browns: So that whole Eric Mangini thing wasn't a good idea. I think we can all agree on that. Heck, he isn't even nice, like Jim Zorn.

Lackluster repeat winners
All the winless teams and all the one-win teams are obviously terrible. When we get to the two-loss guys, we've got to make some judgment calls. Seattle, San Diego, and Miami seem more "mediocre" than "atrocious." But these teams are atrocious:

Washington Redskins: You fellows aren't the worst team in the NFL, but the odds are quite good that you'll be the first team to get your coach fired. (Mike Lombardi from the National Football Post thinks the front office will pull the trigger after next week's game, because there's a bye the week after--it would give the interim coach a little time to adjust.) And it's hard to argue with that--the longer Jim Zorn is the head coach, the worse your team gets. I keep hearing Mike Shanahan's name thrown around as your next coach, but he and Jerry Jones are best friends, so I still think he'll be coaching Dallas next year. But we'll see!

Oakland Raiders: This morning on a pregame show, Howie Long got asked how he would fix the Raiders. His reply was, "Well, first I'll fix health care." Ha ha! It's funny because the entire Raiders organization is riddled with insurmountable problems!



Buffalo Bills: I already busted out "bless your hearts" for the Rams, didn't I? Good for you for winning today (I guess the Jets weren't as good as some of us may have believed, eh?). Sadly, it will not prevent you from going 0-for-the-decade on playoff appearances, or keep you from being sold to Canada someday.


Carolina Panthers: Hi, Carolina. I debated whether or not to put you on the list--do you really qualify as bottom-of-the-barrel terrible, or are you just kind of lame? You squeaked in on the strength of two factors: your only wins have been close ones and against fellow bottom-dwellers Washington and Tampa Bay; and you have Jake Delhomme as your quarterback. Jake, you've gotten a little better since your jaw-dropping performances in last season's finale and this season's opener (11 turnovers in two games! By one person!), but your 3:8 touchdown-to-interception ratio isn't exactly erasing those games from our memories.

So! There are our contenders--who will take home the hotly contested title of Worst Team of 2009? We'll continue to follow this ten-team showdown throughout the season. (The regular season, of course, since this third of the league has pretty much already disqualified themselves from the playoffs.)



*In Bill Simmons' column this week, he shared a theory that one of his readers emailed him: "Counting last year's playoffs, Tennessee has lost six straight ever since fat LenDale and the boys disrespected the Terrible Towel. This follows Carson Palmer's total knee blowout and failure to return to form along with two atrocious seasons for the Bengals after they stomped on the Towel (they're just coming back)." I find that very convincing. Clearly, the Aggies just need to get their opponents to trample on Twelfth Man towels, and we'll be all set.