Keeping Up With My Correspondence

Dear Obama,

Please don't pick Hillary for your running mate. She's mean and not vice-presidential material and apparently given to making stupid remarks and who knows what Bill will say on your campaign trail? Plus we all know now that you two hate each other, and that just would not inspire confidence.

I don't even know where this "Dream Ticket" thing came from. Who would think you two were a dream ticket? I would make a nightmare ticket joke, but The Onion beat me to it.

Also, you know that vocal minority of people who voted for her in the primaries and say they'll vote for McCain instead if you don't pick her? They're totally bluffing.

Love,
Rachel

* * * * * * * * *

Dear college football season,

I'm already excited--I can't wait til you show up! Ever since my gentleman caller bought me the Athlon preview magazine, I've getting all antsy.

Do you think you'll be crazy with upsets like last year? My bet is that you won't, because my guess is that that was a law-of-averages instead of a new-trend-in-football thing. But I'll be happy to be wrong. Upsets are awesome, especially when my own team is usually an underdog. Go upsets!

Anyway, I'll let you go now, but I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and am eagerly awaiting your arrival.

Love,
Rachel

* * * * * * * *

Dear bus people,

I have to say, you guys are really outdoing yourselves. Bravo.

When we're on the bus, some of us read to pass the time. Some of us listen to music on headphones, some chat to our friends, and some chat to random strangers who don't care about us whatsoever, which some of us would be able to tell had we any social radar at all. And then there's the girl who entertained herself on the bus by using her bus pass to scrape dry skin off her legs and onto the floor. That was a really special time for all of us, I think.

Oh, and I should also take this time to give a shout-out to whoever it was who sat in my seat ahead of me yesterday, leaving behind a half-eaten chicken wing (left just sitting between the seat and the wall, though thoughtfully half-concealed under a Sprite bottle [A Sprite bottle that was empty except for the dregs . . . of mysterious brown fluid.]).

Again, bus people, you're just shattering your old records of bus-people-ness. You are truly the wind beneath my wings. If it were physically possible for wind to need a shower.

Insincerely,
Rachel Click here to read more . . .

Keeping Up With My Correspondence

Dear bus people,

Just because it is (as WeatherBug matter-of-factly informs me) "bitterly cold" outside, that does not mean you should eschew deodorant.

Seriously.

Regards,
Rachel

* * * * * * *

Dear Project Runway,

I wish you could be shown by a major network as a Writers' Strike Special. You're so much better than Dexter.

Love,
Rachel

* * * * * * *

Dear Fightin' Texas Aggie Men's Basketball Team,

Are you trying to kill me?

OK, that's unfair. I guess what I should be asking you after the (admittedly epic) quintuple overtime games is: are you trying to kill yourselves?

Let's focus on the positive, of which there is some. You certainly improved from the last two games. I paid $6 to watch last night on my computer, which besides turning out to be a pretty good deal, dollars-per-minutes-wise, was not a horrible, root-canal-like experience like paying to watch the K-State or Texas Tech games would have been (especially considering that I barely wanted to keep watching the former, even though it was free. And did quit listening to the latter partway through). You managed to stay in there against the best Big XII team you've faced so far. (And how weird is that to say about Baylor?!)

Also, on personal note to Bryan Davis here--you did good. You are now formally admitted to the prestigious rank of one of My Boys. That's right. I'm going to be saying things like, "Bryan Davis! He is MY BOY!" when you complete impressive plays. Congratulations.

However, let's not pretend you don't have major problems. Again, it seemed to me like you lost not because of the innate awesomeness of your opponent, but because you just couldn't get it together. Spotty defense, intermittent offense, and--most annoyingly--horrible free-throw shooting.

I'm going to put this bluntly: it is STUPID to miss 40% of your foul shots. Just stupid. You play Div I college basketball; it should not be a problem to make an uncontested and untimed shot. (Personal note to DeAndre Jordan: if you took a second or two before you randomly threw the ball near the basket, that would at least make it look like you care whether you miss or not.)

There were parts of the game where you, as a team, were hovering around 50% from the line. You know what? I shot 50% in the Dominoes Halftime Free Throw Challenge.

Listen, you know I still love you. Just--try to step it up a bit more, ok?

Love,
Rachel

* * * * * * *

Dear Fightin' Texas Aggie Women's Basketball Team,

I am even more perplexed about what your deal is. Holy cow. Do you think Gary Blair needs to be meaner? That's the only thing I can think of.

Love,
Rachel Click here to read more . . .

People Kept Ringing the Bell!

I've never bought the whole "Seinfeld was the greatest thing that ever happened in the history of television!!!!!!!", but I do really like this bit:
Click here to read more . . .

Keeping Up With My Correspondence

Dear Bus People,

I worry about you. Why do you so often reek of alcohol at 10 o'clock in the morning? You may need to get some help. (And I definitely need to start sitting towards the front of the bus.)

Love,
Rachel

* * * * * * *

Dear Avril Lavigne,

We need to talk about your current single, "Girlfriend." I enjoy it, I must admit. It's very catchy, what with the cheerleadery, Oh-Mickey-you're-so-fine-you're-so-fine-you-blow-my-mind-Hey-Mickey!-esque feel. But here's the thing. I know you're only 22, but you're a married lady now. Haven't you outgrown lyrics like "Hell yeah, I'm the *#^%!&~{@>#* princess"? Not to mention "She's like so whatever"? Maybe it's all ironic and I'm just not getting it. However, I'm thinking that the Fug Girls are right, and you're just sleepwalking through being the same old Avril.

I like you, Avril. I know not everyone would agree with me, but I think you've got some talent and, dare I say it, a lot of potential yet to use. But you can't keep being the same angry teenage girl forever, honey. Embrace change! Grow! And stop pretending you're still 17, because it's only going to get sadder from here on out.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. None of this means that I'm not going to buy your song on iTunes immediately after I post this correspondence. Because I am. This advice is about your best interests, not mine. Click here to read more . . .

Keeping up with my Correspondence

Dear United Press International (can I call you UPI?),
"Wichita State coach Mark Turgeon is set to take over as head coach of Houston's Texas A&M men's basketball team"?
GOOD ONE.
Sincerely (OK, insincerely, if you want to get technical),
Rachel

P.S.: This is why AP is better than you.

********

Dear people on the bus,
Two quick suggestions: Listening to music? Use headphones. Also, shower.
Sincerely,
Rachel

********

Dear the entertainment media,
I saw The Sopranos once. I don't care that it's going off the air. It's taken such ridiculously long breaks between seasons anyway, no one would notice if you didn't keep whining about it.
Sincerely,
Rachel Click here to read more . . .