My Top Model Predictions

Well, we're down to the top six in Cycle 12: "These girls are so boring we're just picking short girls next time, because maybe there are some of those left that have any personality, at all!" (Um, Tyra and Mr. Jay were too tired to think of a more concise slogan.) Next week, they'll all be in Brazil, which is actually kind of interesting, since it's a country that is associated with fashion in any way. (I'm looking at you, The Netherlands.)

So here are my predictions for the order in which the final six will get sent back to America.

Sixth place:
Aminat. She's just gotten too many (deserved) bad reviews. She's got the looks, but she doesn't know what to do with them. She just doesn't understand Tyra's Guide to Owning Your Inner Fiereness. (Apparently, you've got to start girls on that young, like with Jedi.) Plus, she got 140% less awesome as soon as they took away her 'fro.











Fifth place:
Allison. (Nickname: Lemur Eyes.) Oh, the judges love those weird eyes. LOVE THEM. However, like Aminat, she just keeps doing the same old thing. Final five is when they usually do the go-sees (running around auditioning for designers in a foreign city--navigating by yourself) and, as the cycle's designated Weird Girl, Allison is destined to screw those up.









Fourth place:
Natalie. All cycle, this has been my reaction to hearing or reading the name "Natalie" in connection with this show: "Natalie? Natalie . . . . Oh, Natalie, riiiiiight." She's so boring and yet so unpleasant. I'm not sure how those go together, but Natalie (it's Natalie, right? Yeah, Natalie) pulls it off. Also, Paulina is underwhelmed by the planes of her face. (That sounds weird, but makes perfect sense in context.) By this week, I think the judges will be sick of her. They'll either give her the "resting on pretty" or "lack of personality" brush-off.









Third place:
Teyona. (Nickname: Wind Face.) I like Teyona. I think she's good. She's got great FierceFace. However, her smile is terrifying. (Terrifying.) I predict she'll easily make the top three, but I can't see her making it through the Cover Girl commercial and the Cover Girl photo shoot with that smile. Sorry, girl.










Second Place:
Fo. Aw, Fo's so cute. And she takes good pictures. I've even forgiven her for her dumb name. (Even though she gave that nickname to herself so yes, it is her fault.) She really pulls off that short hair, but she is shorter than the other girls. And when it comes down to the top two, they do a big runway show to decide the winner, and there's no way she can out-walk . . .












America's Next "Top" "Model":
Celia. Yeah, Celia looks old, y'all. She's twenty-five (so she is the oldest of the whole bunch) but from some angles she looks forty-five. But she's one of those people (like Annaleigh last year) who is just really good at doing all the Top Model junk. She's good at challenges, she's good at most photo shoots, she's good at runway walking, and she's just excellent in front of the judging panel. Those weirdos adore her (except for that one week she threw that other girl under the bus--and I still insist that she would have gotten away with it had she just timed it better). I think it's hers to win as long as she doesn't mess up (like Annaleigh last year, who inexplicably bombed the Cover Girl commercial when she'd been awesome at the first commercial did. Poor Annaleigh). She'll kill at go-sees (unless Brazilians are horrified by her olditude) because she's good with people and smart enough to get herself from place to place. She ought to knock her commercial out of the park (although the Cover Girl photo is a danger spot for her). And even if Natalie (who walks really well, maybe slightly better than Celia) makes it to the final two with her, her personality and the judges' liking of her will put her over the top.

So, those are my official predictions. I feel like the weakest one is Fo in the final two . . . maybe Allison will do well at her go-sees? Yeah . . . she's my unofficial backup prediction for final two. Click here to read more . . .

Small Towns are Fierce!

I've been watching VH1's Super Modelthon (all 9 cycles of America's Next Top Model, which lasts all week long!) and--SHOCKINGLY--many of the contestants have said stupid things.

What's really bothered me is when girls from small town abuse their small town status. For instance, Kimberly (Cycle 9) is from Ocala, Florida, population 49,749. She had to do a runway walk in some crazy "high-fashion" dress and did not do well. Her excuse was "We just don't have designers in my town!" I believe there are no designers in her town. But you know what her town does have? TV. Also? Magazines. Here's a tip: if you're going to try to be a model, check one of those out.

This pales in comparison with the egregious statement made by Samantha (Cycle 8). She talked about her hometown, Pinson, Alabama, and said: "It's like the smallest town in America." Uh no, honey, it's not. There are 5,000 people there. I don't know if you've heard this, but there are like, more than 4,000 numbers smaller than 5,000. But in all seriousness, it's not even the smallest town in its county. There's no excuse for you not to know of towns smaller than yours, much less not be able to imagine the existence of such a thing. Plus, Pinson is a suburb of Birmingham, so in reality, you're from a million-person metro area.

I feel like I should come up with a clever putdown here, but I'm just going to go with: you're an idiot.

Click here to read more . . .

Television Round-Up

Last year, the shows I made time for were 1. (far and away top television priority) House, 2. Grey's Anatomy, and 3. (becoming increasingly important as the season wore on) Ugly Betty. Things have shifted somewhat, so (in particular order) here are my opinions on some shows.

House

I dunno . . . I watched the first two episodes, and it was . . . fine. I didn't watch last week's (which my roommate told me was really good) because I just was entranced enough by the first two to arrange my evening around it.

Clearly, this is a different situation from past seasons.

I'm not quite sure what my deal is. Maybe it's that the ducklings (you know, Chase, Cameron, and Foreman) weren't in them enough. Maybe it's because I feel like they're going the wrong direction, adding new apprentice doctors instead of exploring the interesting and underdeveloped characters they already have.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not breaking up with House. I'm just not as invested as I'm used to being. So we'll see.

America's Next Top Model

I'm not going to tell you that America's Next Top Model is a good show. It isn't.

It has the standard reality show staples: unrealistically catty people shoved into a house together, "challenges," eliminations, and incredible host vanity. And I must say, in that last category, ANTM excels. The force of Tyra Banks' ego could power a medium-sized city.

But what really sets ANTM apart is the ridiculousness. Let's start with the fact that it's about modeling. Modeling and reality are not, as you may be aware, close associates. But ANTM is even operating in the universe of the modeling industry. The winners of the show don't actually get to become top models . . . they're too old, they look weird, and if they had the ability to become models, they wouldn't have to go on the show.

My favorite part is the stupid photo shoots that they do. Tonight's theme? "Super-duper high fashion gargoyles." I invite you to read that phrase one more time.

Plus, they get coached by ludicrous people, like that time they got taught how to twirl by professional twirlers--not baton-twirling, mind you. Twirling around. Like, spinning. Professional twirlers. And tonight, they were told how to pose while jumping on trampolines by, as his caption told us, "Benny Ninja: posing instructor."

My gentleman caller is earning all kinds of points watching this show.

Ugly Betty

SO GOOD!

Hilarious, engaging, interesting . . . I don't know what else to say.

I mean, it's just so good.

Carpoolers

I don't care, I'm just going to say it. This show is funny. It's stupid, but on purpose, which is always key. The characters are caricatures, but well-drawn ones. My favorite one is Dull White Guy's son, who is basically an extroverted Napoleon Dynamite. He makes me laugh.

On a final tv-related note, Dean Cain apparently is guest starring on Smallville this week. How did that take so long?

Click here to read more . . .