Princes: the Prizes and the Putzes

I decided to rank the dudes the Disney Princesses end up with because . . . I like ranking things. (Also: I decided to leave John Smith off the list because he and Pocahontas don't end up together. I could have included John Rolfe, whom Pocahontas married in real life and who appears in the direct-to-DVD Pocahontas sequel, but direct-to-DVD movies don't count. In any way, for anything.)

Eighth place:
Prince Charming #2 (Cinderella)
As I have noted before, this guy is entirely devoid of personality. And if does have any character trait at all, it's laziness. He apparently doesn't do anything besides hunting, he resents having to stay up late to meet the ladies his dad rounded up for him, and then when he finds Cindy's glass slipper (which he wouldn't have had to rely on if he'd run fast enough to catch up to a woman in full evening wear) he doesn't even go out and do the shoe try-ons himself! What a schmuck.


Seventh place:
Prince Ex-Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
Is there any bigger letdown than when Belle's love finally breaks the spell, and the Beast gets all levitate-y and shoots like, lasers out of his appendages and then . . . he's some be-pony-tailed wimp? The think the crux of the problem is Robbie Benson's voice. You get used to the electronically-deepened tough voice of the Beast (which goes along with the Beast's dominating presence and physical power). The wimpy little voice accentuates that most of the other stuff that made the Beast cool is just gone. Plus there's all the buildup. You wait the whole movie for him to turn into some cool prince and then you get that guy.

Sigh.

Even when I was eight, I thought that guy was a bummer.


Sixth place:
Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty)
Well, he's got a personality and I guess fights a dragon and whatnot, but when he first meets Sleeping Beauty/Aurora/Briar Rose/Whatever, she keeps trying to move away from him because hey, he's a stranger and she's all alone and undefended, while he keeps grabbing her by the wrists, pulling her back toward him. And I find that offensive. And creepy. Also, it's a terrible movie.


Fifth place:
Prince Charming #1 (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
We don't see much of this guy, but he seems pretty nice. Should maybe go a little easier on the lipstick, though.


Fourth place:
Prince Naveen (The Princess and the Frog)
As I mentioned, Naveen is (surprisingly) pretty funny. He'd also be pretty fun to have around--that guy is a party unto himself (until Tiana marries him and turns him into a hard-working busboy. Wait, why did he marry her?). He also has the capacity to be brave and self-sacrificing. That being said, he's kind of a moron. And by "kind of a moron," I mean that he's a moron. A dummy. He's not the sharpest crayon in the box. There's nothing in his head but hair. (Wait, why did she marry him?) He'd have placed lower but . . . he's pretty good-lookin'.


Third place:
Li Shang (Mulan, also, not a prince, but what are you gonna do?)
This guy has the whole tough/vulnerable contradiction going on, and that's pretty attractive. To wit: he's all strong and fit and hard-nosed and implacable in battle, but also he's eager to live up to his beloved father's expectations and, when he realizes he loves Mulan, gets all shy and awkward about telling her. Awwww.


Second place:
Aladdin (Aladdin)
Aladdin has an unfair advantage because the movie is about him, not Jasmine. Since we know him so well, we get what he's going through, where he's coming from, etc. Sure, he's technically a criminal and he carries on an elaborate long-term lie about being a prince, but he has a heart of gold! And he's a diamond in the rough! He only lies because of a powerful cocktail of love and insecurity! After all, he's clever and funny and caring, and Jasmine (as she knows from meeting a lot of uppity morons) could do a lot worse.


First place:
Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
Yep, this guy practically has it all. Clean-cut, yet roguishly handsome; high-born, yet most comfortable with working-class people. Dances a mean hornpipe; is a dog-lover if you're into that sort of thing. The worst thing you can say about him is that he gets confused about who he's in love with from time to time, but be fair--that one time he had just had a near-death experience. And that other time there was magic. In conclusion, he murders the villain with a boat. With a boat! That's pretty awesome. Click here to read more . . .

What a Man.

In celebration of my having figured out how to put videos in my blog, I bring you one that I enjoy very, very much:

(In case anyone's wondering why there hasn't been a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on Acie Law IV--that's because it's not ridiculous. I mean, we went to college together. We did! Technically. And I, of course, have A Plan. But it's A Secret Plan, because I don't need any random internet hussies stealing it.)

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Dr. Chase!

Just because House is the best show on television doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its flaws. Yes, it can be a little formulaic, and yes, every season there’s an annoying story arc with somebody eeeeevil out to get House (or some chick who used to live with him out to mess with his mind), and no, you should not try to watch an episode while eating. But if I could fix one thing about House, I would give Dr. Chase more lines.

This is not simply because Dr. Chase is very, very pretty and has a delightful Australian accent. The actor who plays him is very good—he’s probably the second-best actor on the show, which is a very big compliment for somebody who’s on a show with Hugh Laurie.

Also (and this is a problem for all non-House characters on the show besides annoying Cameron), we know very little about Chase’s character. What we do know, however, speaks well to his qualification as a Ridiculous Boyfriend.

1. He’s a sweetie. Like when he decided that he wanted to have a real relationship with Cameron and then she shot him down? His sad face was so sad!

2. Unusually for a tv character, he’s religious. And I don’t care what your God-views are, when he said that prayer over that baby when he was doing an autopsy on it . . . only a heart of stone would have failed to melt.

3. He's good with kids. Every time there's a nipper on the show, Chase bonds with it. (And only kissed one of them.)

4. I already mentioned he's Australian, right?

5. And pretty?

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Prince William!

I just received this email, and deemed it true:

Lesley Skousen
to me
6:32 pm (24 minutes ago)

Emergency boyfriend spotlight is NECESSARY!!!!


http://entertainment.bodogbeat.com/prince-william-and-kate-middleton-split-66810.html


omg omg omg omg

You see, I wrote off Prince William some months ago, believing the media's take that it was only a matter of time before he made Kate Middleton Princess Katherine, first former middle-class future Queen of England. But since they've broken up, the stage is set for the triumphant introduction of Princess Rachel, first Kansan future Queen of England. Oh my gosh, this is going to be awesome.

I mean, sure, the media pressure is going to be pretty intense, but if it gets to be too much, I can always take a break by going home to Bison. Because I don't care how hardcore the British tabloid press is--they're not going to follow me there.

Besides, it's not all about the title, and the fortune, and the giving birth to little future King Henry IX or wee future Queen Victoria II--no! It's also about how William is hot.

OK, and I hear he's smart and I bet he's sweet and funny, too. But most importantly, we have a connection, man. NO American girls knew who he was back in 1995, but I did. People Magazine ran a cover story about him and his brother, and I got pretty sure I was going to marry that guy. I even cut out one of his pictures and took it to school with me, all "Look at this boy, isn't he the cutest?" He was 13 and I was 12 and it was perfect. All I had to do was go to England, meet him, and allow him to fall in love with me. I don't even have to update that! It's a foolproof plan. FOOLPROOF.

So maybe that's not the whole plan. Maybe it involves me meeting him somewhere historical, and striking up a conversation with him, letting him know that I do know who he is, but playing it off all cool, like I meet famous people every day and it's no big thing. And then we'd get to talking about his ancestors and I'd be all, "Henry VII is my favorite" and he'd be all, "That's so original and charming; let's make out" and I'd be all, "Hey, you should at least buy me a drink first/maybe we should go somewhere besides this abbey" and he'd be all, "Oh, quite," because he'd say "quite" all the time because I bet they all know American girls love that. And eventually he'd be all, "I think you should meet my Nan. Should we go and see her?" and I'd be all, "Yes, let's!" and even though she wouldn't expect to like me, what with my being an American upstart and all, I would soon win her over with my unassuming charm and she'd give us her blessing and we'd all live happily ever after.

Like I said, it's FOOLPROOF.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Homsar!

Yes, I know--if I was going to have a Homestarrunner-type boyfriend, why not Strong Bad? Or Pom Pom? Or even Senor Cardgage? Well, I thought about it, but then I caught sight of my Homsar figurine (what? It's part of a set and I got it for Christmas and it's wicked awesome! Shut up!) and decided to go another way.

According to hrwiki.org (which is, in its own way, far more amazing than wikipedia could ever hope to be--and wikipedia is pretty amazing), "Homsar is perhaps the strangest and most enigmatic of all the primary residents of the Homestar Runner universe. "

You know, the more I read of that hrwiki link to Homsar, the less I feel I have to say, or indeed can say, about him. It has that delightful wikipedia tone that takes even the dumbest of topics seriously. Check it: "Many believe that Homsar speaks in word salads (a speech disorder characteristic of schizophrenia in which grammar and sentence structure is often intact, but the words themselves have no particular meaning), but a detailed analysis of his speech patterns has shown that this is seldom the case." Who did a detailed analysis of his speech patterns? It's a good thing these people are preoccupied by cataloguing the entirety of the Homestarrunner.com universe, or they'd end up taking over the world.

Anyhoo, it's not that Homsar is attractive, or not a cartoon, or intelligent, or even necessarily sentient, but he just makes me happy. His hat! It floats! His words! They make no sense!

And now, three Homsar links, so he can make you happy, too.

One

Two

Three

AaAAaaAAaaAAaa!

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging with due diligence lately--I've been having to write things that I'm getting graded on.

I would feel bad if I didn't do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight again this week, though, so I'll just do one that's extremely obvious, straightforward, and self-explanatory:

Yakko Warner!

What? Animaniacs was a funny show, and he was the funniest one. Besides Pinky and the Brain, of course, but that goes without saying. And tinyness of Pinky and the Brain, not to mention the--let's call it Bert-and-Ernie-esque--vibe in later episodes makes them much less boyfriendable.

There. Simple.

Ooh, also! Remember that song he sang about every country in the world? That was awesome.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight NOT On . . .

Since I forgot to do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on Thursday, there will be no traditional Ridiculous Boyfriend this week (since it doesn't seem quite right to have a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on a Friday). Instead, I'm presenting some guys who the Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is not, or to be more specific, no longer on.

(I could do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight NOT On featuring guys I vehemently dislike, but who wants to gaze at pictures of old fat Republican dudes or crack addicts or Greg Oden or something?)

Anyway, these are guys that I originally intended to feature on Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight, but have since FIRED.


FIRED: Tom Brady


Well, according to the Google News search I just did, Tom Brady is only the father of one pending love child, disagreeing with the reports I'd heard bandied about that each of two hot sort-of-famous chicks was carrying his love child. And you know what they say about love children ("One love child is better than two" [or maybe I made that up, just now]), but still. Tom Brady was more desirable as an All American Boy than he is as America's Baby Daddy In Chief, is what I'm saying. I know that in this day and age, single parenthood is not an earth-shattering deal, and certainly I don't agree with there being any social stigma for said love child (a la the AWESOME Diana Ross and the Supremes song "Love Child" [never meant to be! Love Child! Born in poverty! Love Child! Always second-best! Love Child! Different from the re-e-est!]), but it's still seamy to have gotten with child a woman who isn't even your girlfriend anymore.

And Tom Brady


is too pretty


to be seamy.


But alas . . . seamy he is, and that's why the Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is NOT on him.



FIRED: Dr. George O'Malley


This is not a gay thing, in case you're wondering. First of all, I have no problem with having gay ridiculous boyfriends and second of all, the actor T.R. Knight was never a boyfriend candidate, the character George O'Malley was. Because he was cute! And sweet! And loveable and kind and funny and nice and a decent, stand-up guy.

But then he got all annoying and whiny.

And then he got all petty and mean-spirited.

And then whoever is running Grey's Anatomy decided it needed to become a caricature of itself and had him get drunk and sleep with his best friend (with whom he's never even had any chemistry) and oh did I mention? He's married. You know what's seamier than fathering a love child? Adultery. You know what's not loveable, kind, funny, nice or decent? Oh! That's right! It's adultery.

Not only is George FIRED, FOREVER as a boyfriend, Grey's Anatomy is dangerously close to getting abandoned by (at least) one of its viewers. That's right, Grey's Anatomy. If you don't shape up, I am going to break up with you. That's not a threat, it's a promise.

Edited to add: There's one thing I don't think I made clear. Sometimes it's OK when a show makes you angry. That means, at least, that you're engaged in it. But the George and Izzie sex thing? Just makes me annoyed. When you just keep having random characters fall into bed with each other as a substitute for plot development, it's not shocking; it's boring. It's nonsense and it's boring. Stop it, Grey's Anatomy. For real. Click here to read more . . .

An Egregious Oversight

I realized at about 1 o'clock last night/this morning that I had forgotten, for the first time since the foundation of this blog, to post a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on a Thursday. In my defense, I had a lot on my plate last night (what with my team of boyfriends running out of time--no, really; thanks, REFS--in the Sweet Sixteen, and then my needing to mindlessly watch TV for a couple hours as a mental anesthetic).

I'll make up for this soon, I promise. Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Alan Rickman!

It's hard to put into words, the allure of Alan Rickman. I mean, he's old (in the context of, you know, dating me) and not handsome in an obvious way. But he's got . . . allure. And charisma. And a cool deep voice.

What's easy to put into words is how good an actor he is, to wit: he's a really, really good actor. Having co-organized (with my sister) an Alan Rickman Film Fest (watching a bunch of Alan Rickman movies with my sister) a couple of summers ago, I know what I'm talking about. There are two obvious distinguishing characteristics of a talented thespian, to my mind.

1. He's good in roles that are very different from each other.

As Snape? Awesome.

As Colonel Brandon? Heart-breaking/awesome.
As that snooty guy who has to play an alien in Galaxy Quest? Hilariously awesome.

2. He's good even in movies that are not good.

In Judas Kiss, a.k.a. That One Where Emma Thompson Has a Horrible Southern Accent and the Two of Them Solve a Really Boring Crime

In January Man, a.k.a. That One Where He Hangs around While Kevin Kline Solves a Nonsensical, Yet Really Boring Crime And of course, in An Awfully Big Adventure for which, instead of an a.k.a, I bring you a PSA: if someone comes up to you with a deadly weapon of some kind and tells you that you must either stick an oyster fork in your forearm or watch An Awfully Big Adventure, seriously consider the oyster fork. The physical pain will subside much more quickly than the mental anguish incurred by a movie that, starring Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant, really ought to be at least watchable.

(Look at him. He's saying, "No. No, choose the oyster fork, for your own sake. I wouldn't dream of making you watch me in this movie." Hugh solemnly agrees.) Seriously, I've gone into minor convulsions more than once while typing this paragraph, just from the flashbacks. I can't accurately transcribe the noise I tend to make when trying to describe the horror that is An Awfully Big Adventure, but here's my best effort: HKKGLLghhkkkklllluuurggghhkkkKLHGXXHjjlkhhhhhh.
Consider yourself warned.

Anyway, in conclusion, Alan Rickman = terrific.

Bonus picture: young Alan Rickman! Awwwwwwwww.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Dean Cain!

DVD commentaries are really hit and miss, aren't they? Mostly miss. It's usually boring, with the producer and director droning on about the special effects, possibly the budget, maybe even tellyou about the Foley art for every single sound effect (oh, you KNOW I'm looking at you, Star Wars sound guy!). But occasionally, if you're lucky, the person they pick to do the commentary will be insightful (you know, into what audience members would actually care to hear) and, if really lucky, funny. Last night, I was watching the commentary for the pilot episode of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, and it featured the executive producer (dumb, self-congratulatory, and boring) and the director (old and boring) and the star, Dean Cain.

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #1. Dean Cain is funny.
Mostly, it's his goofy delivery, but I'll try to give a couple examples. They show Clark Kent taking off his glasses to disguise himself as Superman for the first time. "And if you don't believe that," supplies Dean Cain, " . . . just don't watch the show." On another commentary, for an episode he wrote (Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #2--he's a writer!) he was talking about how the episode was the first acting job for Denise Richards. Denise exits her scene: "See how she almost ran into that wall there? She'd have no trouble missing that wall now. She's a real pro."

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #3. Dean Cain is a big ol' sweetie. On one commentary, he talked about how much he loves Christmas, and his family, and his mom . . . so cute. And again, on the pilot commentary, the producer was teasing him about how he was happy to get the job of superman because maybe then he could get a girlfriend. And he says, "Yeah, well now I'm looking for a wife . . ." How has no one applied for that job?! Because . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #4.

Pretty!

So pretty!

Pretty!

Sweet and pretty!

I rest my case. Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Hank Hill!

Sure, when you think "desirable ladies' man," you don't usually think of people like Hank Hill. However, I think a relationship between Hank Hill and I (if he weren't married and, possibly, were not a cartoon) would have a lot of potential. The main character of King of the Hill * and I have quite a bit in common, really. We both like following rules, having fun in quiet and understated ways, Jesus, football, and (though it's true for him to a much greater extent) the state of Texas. Also, as he once said, "Women don't like mind games and drama, they like stability." And Hank Hill has that to offer, in spades.

On the other hand, he's not particularly romantic:
Peggy Hill: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?"
But I think that's something I could live with. On the other hand, if he's a Longhorns fan . . . that could be insurmountable.

Here are more examples of Hank's wisdom, straight from the internets to you!:

Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!

Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.

Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.

Hank, being chased by a pimp: Hold on, I got a plan. [stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it] Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him. [the pimp runs the red light] What? He ran a red light! You can't do that!

A hooker that Hank is trying to protect from her ex-pimp: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.

Hank: No offense, ma'am, but . . . he's from Oklahoma.

Hank: How about I buy you an ornament?

Hank's horrible dad: "Peace?" You would like that, you draft-dodger! Sure you can't find one with a flag-burning on it?

Hank: It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace!

Hank, to his son Bobby: This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.

Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.

Hank's niece Luanne, regarding George W. Bush: He's even more handsome than his dad.
Hank: Well, Barbara's a handsome woman.

Hank: Well, if I was adopted, that means my parents could be anybody. Even Tom Landry. I do have his strong chin and love of the flex defense. I wonder if I would have called him "Dad" or "Coach?" Oh, who am I kidding? It would have been "Sir."

Reverend Stroup: Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
Hank: Sponsors? You mean like what the drunks have?
Reverend Stroup: Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like an offensive linesman for the virgin quarterback. The other team is going to be coming on strong. So Luanne needs you to get in there and block, or she might very well get sacked.
Hank: Well, that's not in the Bible, but it should be.

Hank: I can't just leave work at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon.

Hank: An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.

*ordinarily, I would have linked to IMDB for a TV show, but--is it just me, or has IMDB gotten a lot worse since its revamping?

Click here to read more . . .

A Review of Captain Nice

I don't know if any of you have picked up on this, but I love William Daniels. The latest zany thing that love has led me to spend money on is Captain Nice.

It's this show from the 60's, a spoof of the Batman tv series. The hero is this shy police chemist who fights crime because his mom makes him. It was on for 15 episodes. . . . I did hesitate to buy it. Luckily, my parents remembered the show and said it was funny, so I took a chance.

It's so bootlegged it's not even funny; by which I of course mean, it's so bootlegged, it's pretty funny. You can sometimes see the tracking from the VCR off which the guy ripped the DVDs. Overall, video quality gets . . . a generous D+.

The show creator later co-created Get Smart, and it's pretty easy to see the similarities. The humor is usually silly, but occasionally subversively clever. Also, the main character has a quasi-girlfriend who totally digs him, but of whom he is either frightened or oblivious. The stories and writing I give a B+.

As for William Daniels, he's not as meek and mild as he could be. And . . . ok, I can't come up with any other decoy criticisms. William Daniels ROCKS IT, as he ALWAYS DOES. I LOVE HIM.

A+++!

Overall grade: A.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Tim Gunn!

Tim Gunn is in his 50's, has grey/thinning hair, and is gayer than the day is long. But if this were "Reasonable Boyfriend Spotlight," you'd be reading a different blog, wouldn't you?

Tim Gunn is the most normal, wholesome, real reality TV star there is, and he's the star (in my book) of the best reality TV show there is.
If you haven't seen it (and it is on Bravo, so I can't blame you), Project Runway actually involves talented contestants (mostly--I'm looking you, Crazy Vincent) competing by designing and making clothes in a handful of hours per outfit. See, on Project Runway, instead of stabbing each other in the back (mostly--I'm looking at you, Wendy Pepper) they try to do good work, and even help each other.

But helping them all is Tim Gunn: mentor, teacher, user of medium-to-big-size words. (I can't really think of any right now, nor can I easily find the information on the series of tubes that is the internets, but it's true.)

I wish I had Tim Gunn around to, you know, tell me what outfits to wear, revise my papers, etc. I know that's not the traditional job description for a boyfriend, but I think we'd make it work.

P.S. Some of you may not know this, but this picture is hilarious.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Ron Weasley!

Ron is the reason I read Harry Potter. Well, to be more accurate, the reason I started reading Harry Potter--now, of course, I'm ensnared by the . . . Potterness of it.

I resisted, naturally. Harry started getting popular when I was in high school and automatically averse to everything popular. My freshman year in college, however, I went to see the first Harry Potter movie and said to Nancy (who did read the books) afterwards, "So Ron and Hermione are going to get together, right?" And she said, "What?!" But I could tell the spark was there.

A couple years later, I watched the second Harry Potter movie, in which they really upped the romantic ante (Ron and Hermione share . . . an awkward handshake!). That's when I broke down and asked my sister if I could read her Harry Potters, just so I could see how the Ron/Hermione romance was developing. And I ended up reading all five of them in four days. (Awesome.)

As much I love Ron and Hermione together, it's primarily because I love Ron so much. He's so awkward and funny and a good guy, but never as big a deal or as important as Harry--but as hard as Harry's life is, I don't think he could make it through without Ron.

Secondarily, I want Ron and Hermione to grow up and get married and have babies with bushy red hair. (Awesome!)

(For my fellow Potter-people: I have a theory. You know how the sorting hat almost put Harry in Slytherin and almost put Hermione in Ravenclaw? Well Ron, with his being a good friend and [pretty] dependable but not obviously remarkable in any particular way, displays a real tendency towards Hufflepuff-ity. So, it's like, among the three of them, they represent all of the houses of Hogwarts! I'm pretty proud of that one.)

For the record--again--I'm going to be INCONSOLABLE if Ron dies in the last book. Take Harry, J.K., take Neville, take anybody, just please let my boyfriend Ron live! (Also Hermione would be nice, for red-headed, buck-toothed baby purposes.)

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Henry the Accountant!

Henry has been featured on no fewer than four episodes of one of the three shows I bother to watch (on broadcast TV, as opposed to the kajillions of shows I watch on DVD), Ugly Betty. (It's on tonight, by the way. If you see this post before 8/7 central and have never seen the show before, you should give it a whirl. It's cute and stupid. But it knows it's stupid.)

There's not really much to say about Henry besides the fact that he's practically perfect in every way. He's nerdy, sweet, somewhat shy, but brave enough to let our heroine, Betty, know that he really likes her. He is, in a word (coined somewhere on the internets), adorkable.

Betty is, of course, lucky that neither she nor Henry are real, or the two of us would have a showdown.

P.S. Oh my gosh, you guys, I just realized something. My favorite British monarch is, as you may know, Henry VII. Well, he was so all about saving and collecting money, and supervising those processes himself, that he has at times been called "The Accountant King." So I like two accountant Henries. WEIRD.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

I really had to give some thought to whom I was going to shine this week’s Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight upon. John Adams was an easy decision as Week #1, partly because of how awesome he is and partly because I’m going through one of my 1776 phases. But who to choose next? The Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is an honor, and not one to be bestowed lightly. However, in view of his longevity as a ridiculous boyfriend--and also mindful of popular demand--I have decided that this week’s Riculous Boyfriend Spotlight shall cast its ludricrous yet heartfelt rays on . . . Darth Vader.

First, let us define our parameters. We are not, that is NOT, talking about Anakin Skywalker. Pretty? Yes. Whiny and annoying? Also yes. Besides, we saw him when he was a kid, and he was prone to using the word “yippee.” Darth Vader does not say “yippee.” When I say I have am totally crushing on Darth Vader, I mean black mask, James Earl Jones voice, flowing black cape, exquisitely evil Darth. Vader.

“Rachel,” you may be thinking, “you are totally cracked out.” Ah, my friend, this is untrue. Let’s think about this logically, using consensus standards of male “crushability,” if you will.

1. Tall, dark, and handsome? Darth is two out of three!

2. It is well known that many women are attracted to power. And Darth Vader? He can totally choke dudes using merely the power of the force. Awesome!

3. As Napoleon Dynamite sagely informed us, girls like guys with skills. Darth Vader: lightsaber skillz, piloting skillz, deflecting-blaster-fire-with-his-bare-hands skillz, and--lest we forget--choking-a-dude-from-across-the-room skillz!

4. Women also go for men who, beneath their tough or crusty or, in this case, evil exteriors have an adorable vulnerability. Like House, or Alex Karev from Grey's Anatomy, or Dr. Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. Darth Vader, as it turns out, loves his boy. Ergo, he is, on the inside, a puppy dog. A huge, menacing, malevolent puppy dog. (Awwwwww.)

5. OK, so it isn't a "standard" measurement of hotness, but . . . he has his own theme song! And it's written by John Williams, so you know it's good.

Ergo, when you examine it objectively, my 10-year (and counting!) attachment to Darth Vader just makes good sense. Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

John Adams!

But first, some explanation about the Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight. Each week, I will bring information to you about someone ludicrous that I have a crush on. It will be ludicrous because said person and I are in different places, different times, or different planes of reality. There are three basic categories:

1. Celebrities

2. Fictional characters

3. Historical figures

As you may have noticed, the very first Ridiculous Boyfriend hails from category 3, subcategory: American presidents. Now, John Adams--let's be real, here--didn't really do that much earth-shattering while he was president. I'll admit that. I'll also cop to his responsibility for the Alien and Sedition Acts. (In his defense, though . . . Abigail wasn't there to tell him what a dumb idea that was.) Once you get past that, though, and especially if you look at his pre-presidentin' (and pre-vice-presidentin') record, John Adams was totally awesome!

Short version: wrote the Massachusetts constitution, the oldest still-used written constitution in the world and the blueprint for much of the US Constitution; was on the Declaration of Independence committee (and, according to his version of the story, got Jefferson to write it); nominated George Washington to lead the Continental Army; was integral in getting the Treaty of Paris signed; single-handedly secured important loans and official governmental recognition from the Netherlands (which was the first place to recognize the US as a nation); acted as the defense lawyer for the British soldiers in the Boston Massacre, because no one else would and he believed everybody deserved justice; was the first ambassador to Britain.

Plus, he and Abigail could not have been ANY cuter a couple. (If there's one thing I look for in my historical crushes, it's . . . ok, it's unbending principles or determination or an efficient wielding of vast amounts of power. But if there are four, then the next one is the adorable doting on of the wife. It shows an underlying squishy cuteness.)

As John Adams himself claimed, he was kind of an obnoxious guy. Also vain and arrogant, but underneath it all was insecurity and a longing to do the right thing. As Thomas Jefferson told James Madison (I say as if I know, like James was all, "Hey, Rachel, did you hear what Tom said about Adams? Dude."): "He is vain, irritable, and a bad calculator of the force and probable effect of the motives which govern men. This is all the ill which can possibly be said of him. He is as disinterested as the Being who made him. He is profound in his views and accurate in his judgment, except where knowledge of the world is necessary to form a judgment. He is so amiable that I pronounce you will love him, if ever you become acquainted with him. He would be, as he was, a great man in Congress."

My John Adams love is often spurred on by watching my fav-o-rite movie, since William Daniels did a very accurate (and foxy) job of portraying John Adams on stage and screen in 1776. Do I love 1776 so much because of my undying affection for John Adams, or do I love John Adams so much because of my undying affection for 1776?

Actually, that's a really easy question. Undying affection for John Adams, hands down.

Woo!

Click here to read more . . .