Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Hank Hill!

Sure, when you think "desirable ladies' man," you don't usually think of people like Hank Hill. However, I think a relationship between Hank Hill and I (if he weren't married and, possibly, were not a cartoon) would have a lot of potential. The main character of King of the Hill * and I have quite a bit in common, really. We both like following rules, having fun in quiet and understated ways, Jesus, football, and (though it's true for him to a much greater extent) the state of Texas. Also, as he once said, "Women don't like mind games and drama, they like stability." And Hank Hill has that to offer, in spades.

On the other hand, he's not particularly romantic:
Peggy Hill: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?"
But I think that's something I could live with. On the other hand, if he's a Longhorns fan . . . that could be insurmountable.

Here are more examples of Hank's wisdom, straight from the internets to you!:

Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!

Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.

Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.

Hank, being chased by a pimp: Hold on, I got a plan. [stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it] Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him. [the pimp runs the red light] What? He ran a red light! You can't do that!

A hooker that Hank is trying to protect from her ex-pimp: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.

Hank: No offense, ma'am, but . . . he's from Oklahoma.

Hank: How about I buy you an ornament?

Hank's horrible dad: "Peace?" You would like that, you draft-dodger! Sure you can't find one with a flag-burning on it?

Hank: It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace!

Hank, to his son Bobby: This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.

Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.

Hank's niece Luanne, regarding George W. Bush: He's even more handsome than his dad.
Hank: Well, Barbara's a handsome woman.

Hank: Well, if I was adopted, that means my parents could be anybody. Even Tom Landry. I do have his strong chin and love of the flex defense. I wonder if I would have called him "Dad" or "Coach?" Oh, who am I kidding? It would have been "Sir."

Reverend Stroup: Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
Hank: Sponsors? You mean like what the drunks have?
Reverend Stroup: Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like an offensive linesman for the virgin quarterback. The other team is going to be coming on strong. So Luanne needs you to get in there and block, or she might very well get sacked.
Hank: Well, that's not in the Bible, but it should be.

Hank: I can't just leave work at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon.

Hank: An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.

*ordinarily, I would have linked to IMDB for a TV show, but--is it just me, or has IMDB gotten a lot worse since its revamping?