Things That Instantly Fill Me with Blinding Rage

When publishers print The Chronicles of Narnia in "chronological" order instead of the order in which they were written

The movie Lost in Translation

Every song by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap

And, less frivolously:

Holocaust denial

Any slogan that says that God hates gay people. Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging with due diligence lately--I've been having to write things that I'm getting graded on.

I would feel bad if I didn't do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight again this week, though, so I'll just do one that's extremely obvious, straightforward, and self-explanatory:

Yakko Warner!

What? Animaniacs was a funny show, and he was the funniest one. Besides Pinky and the Brain, of course, but that goes without saying. And tinyness of Pinky and the Brain, not to mention the--let's call it Bert-and-Ernie-esque--vibe in later episodes makes them much less boyfriendable.

There. Simple.

Ooh, also! Remember that song he sang about every country in the world? That was awesome.

Click here to read more . . .

Check This Out

(I know this is hard to see, so it's here if you really care.)

I would like to draw your attention to a few things here. Firstly, that with Billy's pending pay raise to $2 million a year, he'll be getting about as much money as Fran, which is good for two reasons: 1. Fran sucks and Billy does not and 2. this will prove to Billy that A&M can love more than one sport. Yes, basketball will never be king like it as at, for instance, Kentucky, but also, as long as he's here, football will never be the only thing we can about.

The second thing about this neato graphic is--how hilarious is their picture selection?

Thirdly, I hope you can tell by the bars how little Bobby Knight is paid. (Relatively, of course.) I don't know whether to be more boggled by the fact that he's the fifth-highest paid coach in the Big XII (at $800,000) when he is BY FAR the biggest name, or by the fact that he's paid half as much as Tech's football coach ($1.6 million)! How in the world was Texas Tech ever able to hire Bobby Knight in the first place? (I know he probably gets much more than this what with his O'Reilly Autoparts endorsement deal, but still.)

And fourthly, Baylor's football coach gets paid over a million dollars a year? . . . Why? I know that's a cheap shot. But oh well.

Fifthly, no wonder Bob Stoops is the highest-paid state employee in Oklahoma at 3.5 million dollars a year. I mean, look at that maroon bar. It's huge!

Click here to read more . . .

I Think I Want a Sewing Machine

It's finally nice in Madison. The nice weather and a random desire to look just a little cuter than usual made me really wish I had a jean skirt to wear tomorrow. I only occasionally feel like wearing a skirt, so the only ones I own are all churchy. So no jean skirt. I therefore decided to make one.
I took a pair of jeans and cut 'em up, and began sewing them back together in an alternate configuration. If I had a sewing machine (or if I had decided to take up this whim before 10 o'clock), I bet I could have finished it.
Also, I would like to take up sewing someday, mostly because of all the cool stuff they sell in fabric stores. I mean, have you ever looked at how many types of buttons your run-of-the-mill fabric store has? Or how many colors of thread? I hate to think that someday those places and products will become extinct, but really--how many people a day in the whole country can you imagine saying, "Well, I better run down and get some multi-colored flourscent ladybug buttons and some medium-pale chartreuse thread!" But I want there to be a bunch of those people. And if I have to be one to make that happen, so be it. Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight NOT On . . .

Since I forgot to do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on Thursday, there will be no traditional Ridiculous Boyfriend this week (since it doesn't seem quite right to have a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on a Friday). Instead, I'm presenting some guys who the Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is not, or to be more specific, no longer on.

(I could do a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight NOT On featuring guys I vehemently dislike, but who wants to gaze at pictures of old fat Republican dudes or crack addicts or Greg Oden or something?)

Anyway, these are guys that I originally intended to feature on Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight, but have since FIRED.


FIRED: Tom Brady


Well, according to the Google News search I just did, Tom Brady is only the father of one pending love child, disagreeing with the reports I'd heard bandied about that each of two hot sort-of-famous chicks was carrying his love child. And you know what they say about love children ("One love child is better than two" [or maybe I made that up, just now]), but still. Tom Brady was more desirable as an All American Boy than he is as America's Baby Daddy In Chief, is what I'm saying. I know that in this day and age, single parenthood is not an earth-shattering deal, and certainly I don't agree with there being any social stigma for said love child (a la the AWESOME Diana Ross and the Supremes song "Love Child" [never meant to be! Love Child! Born in poverty! Love Child! Always second-best! Love Child! Different from the re-e-est!]), but it's still seamy to have gotten with child a woman who isn't even your girlfriend anymore.

And Tom Brady


is too pretty


to be seamy.


But alas . . . seamy he is, and that's why the Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight is NOT on him.



FIRED: Dr. George O'Malley


This is not a gay thing, in case you're wondering. First of all, I have no problem with having gay ridiculous boyfriends and second of all, the actor T.R. Knight was never a boyfriend candidate, the character George O'Malley was. Because he was cute! And sweet! And loveable and kind and funny and nice and a decent, stand-up guy.

But then he got all annoying and whiny.

And then he got all petty and mean-spirited.

And then whoever is running Grey's Anatomy decided it needed to become a caricature of itself and had him get drunk and sleep with his best friend (with whom he's never even had any chemistry) and oh did I mention? He's married. You know what's seamier than fathering a love child? Adultery. You know what's not loveable, kind, funny, nice or decent? Oh! That's right! It's adultery.

Not only is George FIRED, FOREVER as a boyfriend, Grey's Anatomy is dangerously close to getting abandoned by (at least) one of its viewers. That's right, Grey's Anatomy. If you don't shape up, I am going to break up with you. That's not a threat, it's a promise.

Edited to add: There's one thing I don't think I made clear. Sometimes it's OK when a show makes you angry. That means, at least, that you're engaged in it. But the George and Izzie sex thing? Just makes me annoyed. When you just keep having random characters fall into bed with each other as a substitute for plot development, it's not shocking; it's boring. It's nonsense and it's boring. Stop it, Grey's Anatomy. For real. Click here to read more . . .

Accomplishment!

So far today, I have:

1. Read some Alexis de Tocqueville

2. Signed up to play on a softball team

3. Gotten semi-lost in some semi-woods

4. Seen a hawk (in the semi-woods)

5. Walked on a trail around the still fairly frozen lake

6. Bought a sweet book about Edward VI (my second-favorite Tudor!) for $3

Click here to read more . . .

An Egregious Oversight

I realized at about 1 o'clock last night/this morning that I had forgotten, for the first time since the foundation of this blog, to post a Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight on a Thursday. In my defense, I had a lot on my plate last night (what with my team of boyfriends running out of time--no, really; thanks, REFS--in the Sweet Sixteen, and then my needing to mindlessly watch TV for a couple hours as a mental anesthetic).

I'll make up for this soon, I promise. Click here to read more . . .

Ten Cents Well-Spent?

I've never text-message voted for anything before, but voting for Acie Law IV for the Naismith Award must be worth it. I mean, there's always a chance (a chance that gets better for every game A&M continues to play in) that he'll beat Kevin Durant, and I might as well do my part to help that happen.

And as long as I'm on the subject, I might as well extol a virtue or two of Acie's, to wit: so, that li'l freshman point guard for Louisville, Edgar Sosa, was understandably disappointed when his team lost (when, after a 31 point game from him, he missed two free throws and a last-second three at the end). But Acie made sure to tell him what a good job he'd done, and how he had nothing to be ashamed of.

Awwwwww. (Virtue 1: so nice! Virtue 2: classy!)

That picture is just barely behind "Acie and Billy share a special moment on Senior Day" as my current favorite Acie picture.

Edited to add: SWEET SIXTEEN, BABY!

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Alan Rickman!

It's hard to put into words, the allure of Alan Rickman. I mean, he's old (in the context of, you know, dating me) and not handsome in an obvious way. But he's got . . . allure. And charisma. And a cool deep voice.

What's easy to put into words is how good an actor he is, to wit: he's a really, really good actor. Having co-organized (with my sister) an Alan Rickman Film Fest (watching a bunch of Alan Rickman movies with my sister) a couple of summers ago, I know what I'm talking about. There are two obvious distinguishing characteristics of a talented thespian, to my mind.

1. He's good in roles that are very different from each other.

As Snape? Awesome.

As Colonel Brandon? Heart-breaking/awesome.
As that snooty guy who has to play an alien in Galaxy Quest? Hilariously awesome.

2. He's good even in movies that are not good.

In Judas Kiss, a.k.a. That One Where Emma Thompson Has a Horrible Southern Accent and the Two of Them Solve a Really Boring Crime

In January Man, a.k.a. That One Where He Hangs around While Kevin Kline Solves a Nonsensical, Yet Really Boring Crime And of course, in An Awfully Big Adventure for which, instead of an a.k.a, I bring you a PSA: if someone comes up to you with a deadly weapon of some kind and tells you that you must either stick an oyster fork in your forearm or watch An Awfully Big Adventure, seriously consider the oyster fork. The physical pain will subside much more quickly than the mental anguish incurred by a movie that, starring Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant, really ought to be at least watchable.

(Look at him. He's saying, "No. No, choose the oyster fork, for your own sake. I wouldn't dream of making you watch me in this movie." Hugh solemnly agrees.) Seriously, I've gone into minor convulsions more than once while typing this paragraph, just from the flashbacks. I can't accurately transcribe the noise I tend to make when trying to describe the horror that is An Awfully Big Adventure, but here's my best effort: HKKGLLghhkkkklllluuurggghhkkkKLHGXXHjjlkhhhhhh.
Consider yourself warned.

Anyway, in conclusion, Alan Rickman = terrific.

Bonus picture: young Alan Rickman! Awwwwwwwww.

Click here to read more . . .

I Am The Target Audience!

Check it out! On the ESPN.com homepage (well, for now), they have one of their Big Dance rollercoaster cartoons:

It's Acie! Next to Bucky!

Really, what are the odds?

Click here to read more . . .

I Need Your Advice Again

I'm really starting to depend on you guys to validate my desired purchases. So, check this out:

The Homestar Runner guys have finally created a shirt starring my favorite character, Senor Cardgage! (If you watch the linked-to email, make sure to click on the words "hanging out" after the paper comes down.)

It costs $19 and, more troublingly, I'd have to get it in a girl medium. I don't know if that would be too roomy--but it's Senor Cardgage!

Senor Cardgage!

Click here to read more . . .

Another Notebook Paper Masterpiece

Probably inspired by my last post, I drew a totally sweet dragon today. (It's cooler full-size--it takes up the whole sheet of paper. But there's only so big that blogger will allow posted pictures to be.)

That is all. Click here to read more . . .

Drexel

(For those of you who aren't that fond of basketball posts . . . too bad. It's March Madness and my boys are going to tear some stuff up. It's basketball-o-rama time!)

Dick Vitale was really angry yesterday that Drexel was left out of the Big Dance. And while it's funny to see Dick Vitale angry, I'm inclined to agree with him. (Dick Vitale side note: when one of the other ESPN guys made a case for one of the teams that got in instead of Drexel, Dicky V said--and I quote!--"That's a legitimate argument, baby!" I can't wait to use that one in class.) Here are my top two reasons why I wish Drexel were in the tournament:

1. They're the Dragons, and dragons are cool!

2. Their coach's name is . . . wait for it . . . Bruiser Flint. Bruiser Flint! It makes you wonder why he went into coaching, instead of being a mercenary, private eye, or possibly a supervillain.

As you can see, my basketball logic is very deep. Of course, last year my bracket did pretty well because I picked UCLA to go to the championship game. And I picked UCLA to go to the championship game because they have 1. pretty uniforms and 2. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, the most fun name to say in the whole wide world.

Click here to read more . . .

A Reminiscence

Remember Highlights magazine? Man, that thing was not good. But it did have one good part--and I bet you know what it is without me telling you.

(Goofus bosses his friends. Gallant asks, "What do you want to do next?"

Goofus takes the last apple. Gallant shares his orange.)

Of course it's Goofus and Gallant! Those guys . . . they taught you some morals, man.

Unfortunately, G & G (as, uh, the cool kids call them) have an updated look. Being square Fifties kids was such a huge part of the appeal! But don't worry, they still have those sweet Fifties morals.

I couldn't find an internet picture to confirm it, but I'm pretty darn sure Gallant hates Commies. Perhaps Goofus . . . is a Commie? A fellow-traveler, perhaps?

(At the department store, Goofus runs on the escalator. Gallant stands still on the escalator as it goes to the second floor.)

Godless Commie or not . . . I think I'd rather hang out with Goofus.

Click here to read more . . .

Keeping up with my Correspondence

Dear Google News,

The fictional death of fictional (and not even popular/relevant enough to star in a major motion picture or Kids WB cartoon) Captain America? Really?

This is the biggest non-story since Barbie dumped Ken.

Love,
Rachel

*******

Dear Ann Coulter,

John Edwards wanted me to write and thank you for reminding people that he's in the Democratic race, too. Oh, and so did the Coalition for People Who Want the F-Word to Become the New N-Word. You've been ever so helpful!

Love,
Rachel

P.S. Have you tried letting your natural hair color grow back in? Just food for thought.

*******

Dear the Big XII North,

When did you guys get so lousy at, like, sports? I don't mean to kick you when you're down, since all four of your teams in the first round of the tournament got beat DOWN today, but . . . it's just not fair for all of you to get to play each other so much (I'm looking at your undefeated division record, KU), when the Big XII South has--because they're better than you, frankly--a much tougher time playing amongst themselves.

Step it up, is all I'm saying.

(KU basketball, you're doing a fine job. This doesn't apply to you. Just your football team. . . . You don't need to win the tournament to prove yourselves to me. Really. In fact, take it easy. Really.)

Love,
Rachel Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Dean Cain!

DVD commentaries are really hit and miss, aren't they? Mostly miss. It's usually boring, with the producer and director droning on about the special effects, possibly the budget, maybe even tellyou about the Foley art for every single sound effect (oh, you KNOW I'm looking at you, Star Wars sound guy!). But occasionally, if you're lucky, the person they pick to do the commentary will be insightful (you know, into what audience members would actually care to hear) and, if really lucky, funny. Last night, I was watching the commentary for the pilot episode of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, and it featured the executive producer (dumb, self-congratulatory, and boring) and the director (old and boring) and the star, Dean Cain.

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #1. Dean Cain is funny.
Mostly, it's his goofy delivery, but I'll try to give a couple examples. They show Clark Kent taking off his glasses to disguise himself as Superman for the first time. "And if you don't believe that," supplies Dean Cain, " . . . just don't watch the show." On another commentary, for an episode he wrote (Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #2--he's a writer!) he was talking about how the episode was the first acting job for Denise Richards. Denise exits her scene: "See how she almost ran into that wall there? She'd have no trouble missing that wall now. She's a real pro."

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #3. Dean Cain is a big ol' sweetie. On one commentary, he talked about how much he loves Christmas, and his family, and his mom . . . so cute. And again, on the pilot commentary, the producer was teasing him about how he was happy to get the job of superman because maybe then he could get a girlfriend. And he says, "Yeah, well now I'm looking for a wife . . ." How has no one applied for that job?! Because . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Qualifier #4.

Pretty!

So pretty!

Pretty!

Sweet and pretty!

I rest my case. Click here to read more . . .

Look How Famous I Am.

Looks like this week, I am on the Jeopardy! home page. Well, one-third of the time, anyway.

If you click on my face, it takes you to the "Hometown Howdies" page, where you can 1) see all the people I hung out with in the green room and 2) listen to/watch my silly shpiel.

Click here to read more . . .

Updates of Various Kinds

1. I did not win the John Adams eyeliner picture. Very sad. I'll just try to console myself with the fact that it says "For David." After all, I'm not David.

2. It continues to snow, so today I walked on down to Ace Hardware and bought a shovel. (I walked because I can't move my car--hence the shovel.) The best part of that story is me jaunting about town (including a trip into McDonald's to get me a salad) with a shovel over my shoulder.

3. Still no George Washington dollars at my bank. I went in and asked, and even got the same guy. He didn't remember me specifically, but did have the air of someone who's been asked the same question many a time.

4. More and more people are discovering how mind-bogglingly, superhumanly, unbelievably fantastic Acie Law IV is at playing basketball. That previous link is but one example of what I'm talking about; type Acie Law IV into Google News if you don't believe me. I dare you.

Click here to read more . . .

Ridiculous Boyfriend Spotlight On . . .

Hank Hill!

Sure, when you think "desirable ladies' man," you don't usually think of people like Hank Hill. However, I think a relationship between Hank Hill and I (if he weren't married and, possibly, were not a cartoon) would have a lot of potential. The main character of King of the Hill * and I have quite a bit in common, really. We both like following rules, having fun in quiet and understated ways, Jesus, football, and (though it's true for him to a much greater extent) the state of Texas. Also, as he once said, "Women don't like mind games and drama, they like stability." And Hank Hill has that to offer, in spades.

On the other hand, he's not particularly romantic:
Peggy Hill: "I surely am not unfond of you, Peggy, I tell you what." What kind of marriage proposal is that?"
But I think that's something I could live with. On the other hand, if he's a Longhorns fan . . . that could be insurmountable.

Here are more examples of Hank's wisdom, straight from the internets to you!:

Hank: Worker's Comp? Do I look like a hobo to you? No, sir, I'm *not* going on welfare. It's Indian summer!

Doctor: Well, if you insist on working, I'll write you a prescription for pain medicine.

Hank: Whoa there, Dr. Feelgood. I work at a propane dealership, not Woodstock.

Hank, being chased by a pimp: Hold on, I got a plan. [stops the car at a green light, waits until it turns yellow, and guns it] Ha, ha, ha. I got him where I want him. [the pimp runs the red light] What? He ran a red light! You can't do that!

A hooker that Hank is trying to protect from her ex-pimp: Hank, no! Alabaster's a little guy, but he'll mess you up.

Hank: No offense, ma'am, but . . . he's from Oklahoma.

Hank: How about I buy you an ornament?

Hank's horrible dad: "Peace?" You would like that, you draft-dodger! Sure you can't find one with a flag-burning on it?

Hank: It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace!

Hank, to his son Bobby: This is a carburetor. Take it apart, put it back together, repeat until you're normal.

Hank: Dallas? I don't want you goin' to Dallas at all. That place is crawlin' with crack-heads and debutantes, and half of 'em play for the Cowboys.

Hank's niece Luanne, regarding George W. Bush: He's even more handsome than his dad.
Hank: Well, Barbara's a handsome woman.

Hank: Well, if I was adopted, that means my parents could be anybody. Even Tom Landry. I do have his strong chin and love of the flex defense. I wonder if I would have called him "Dad" or "Coach?" Oh, who am I kidding? It would have been "Sir."

Reverend Stroup: Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
Hank: Sponsors? You mean like what the drunks have?
Reverend Stroup: Mr. Hill, a celibacy sponsor is like an offensive linesman for the virgin quarterback. The other team is going to be coming on strong. So Luanne needs you to get in there and block, or she might very well get sacked.
Hank: Well, that's not in the Bible, but it should be.

Hank: I can't just leave work at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon.

Hank: An all Texas Super Bowl... His will be done.

*ordinarily, I would have linked to IMDB for a TV show, but--is it just me, or has IMDB gotten a lot worse since its revamping?

Click here to read more . . .